The Daily Life of Emily

my life recently is getting depress than ever. I just really need some support, but apparently I hardly get any. no one. not even my good friend. not even my sibling. not even him...

seriously I don't mind people criticizing my likings, but, somehow, they criticize really very badly, and they opinions are really harsh. and it's not like every now and then. it's just too often. I mean, they too often criticism is too much for me. too much. it's just like everything I like is wrong. it's just wrong to them

it's had been only me been nice to them. I hardly criticize what they like, or even if I do, I mostly didn't go harsh. coz I know, what they like is might not to my liking. who am I to judge what they like? but unfortunately they don't feel that way though

maybe that's why I hardly (or actually never) share any of my likings to anyone. the only definition they know there's nothing with my likings is if I like WHAT they liked...

last time when I'm with him, I FINALLY thought I could express anything I like, without any criticism, or at least, the way him comment would not be too harsh

but alas, how much I was wrong! he is no better than any of them. of coz there are things he likes what I shared with him (but seriously I wonder are they for real, or just to please me? - but like I care, at least he tried to make me happy), but the things he doesn't like, are more, and he don't accept them nicely. not at all! all the things he criticize really hurts my heart

seriously I just really want to scream, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE (WHAT I LIKE), WHY CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCKED UP??!"
seriously do you guys really need to all bad thing about my likings??!! even by saying nicely like "sorry it's not my likings" or "no thanks. not my cup of tea" also can't
it's has been me saying those words

last time he did said he realized he had been demoralizing me. and for a moment am glad he do realize it. but as times goes by, he really demoralized me badly.....and I believe all my harsh attitudes towards certain people are the effects (of my frustration). I could no longer hold my patient with humans. stupid humans

realizing all this, he is also just like others, I must really stop sharing things with him. like I did to others. everything I like, just keep to myself. it's safer and nicer that way. maybe I would go back talking to Iyoshi Kenji (my teddy bear) again. after all. he is my best friend. my true friend. he would never talk back. unlike those stupid humans

some of the things I could recall is the recent incident. the "Avril Lavigne incident". despite they had aware I like Avril Lavigne, they just go on talk badly about her. very harshly. saying all her songs lame, when I liked it so much. I often felt like they seems don't respect what I like
ok la ok la, I got it, she's hypocrite. but just because you don't like her you all kutuk dia abis2, ngan lagu2 dia skali? padahal dok tau aku minat giler kat lagu2 dia. kiranya aku minat gak Avril as a person, x yah la nak kutuk2 dia lagu when you guys tahu aku suka kat dia...kalau korang x tau aku kisah la, nie x, korang tau

I'm not really complaining regarding the incident, it's just some example I can remember. these type of incidents happens a lot to me. A LOT

dulu ada la gak kes similiar ngan kawan aku. kita cakap pasal aktess A dan B. aku bgtau aku suka si A, tapi dia x suka A, tapi B. aku ikutkan x suka si B tu, tp coz dia suka, aku diam aje la. tp dia, amboi, macam2 dia kata. dah tau aku suka, tapi mulut x henti2 cakap, sedap. panas gak, tapi sabar aje la

kalau aku buat benda yang sama, bagi pandangan x setuju aku, atau kiritkan pedas aku mcm mana depa bg kat aku, sure aku lak yg dibrandkan jahat...

and what he always did to me, when-ever I suggest him, or share anything that he didn't like it, dia kutuk abis2an. pas tu bila suka, lain pula bunyinya. example paling senang dan tepat. GE. dulu bukan main lagi kutuk2. tu la x betul. nie la x betul. game sucks la. sekarang? entah berapa ratus ringgit dah abis. memang dasar hipokrit!

I missed singing so much. but whenever I sang, he surely laugh to me. sometimes I do really feel I want to say to his face, "MACAM LA KO TERRER NYANYI SANGAT". but I don't have a heart to say so. after all, that's what he likes to do. I wouldn't want to say bad to the things he likes to do. and plus, he could answer that at least he sang better than me. now only when I'm alone I would sing to all my heart. maybe that's why I like to be alone recently

and then, my drawing also had been very frustrating. no matter how hard I tried, I could never be better. and I also I would never be able to impress him. he will always give harsh criticism. early of coz I would got spirited to improve them, but as its getting often, I really feel like hating to draw anymore. I do wish he at least said nicely what should I improve, instead of just shooting like that. it's really quite tempting for me to just shout, "HANG LUKIS PON X PANDAI, SEDAP MULUT AJE NAK CRITICIZE ORANG!!"

I just been working hard to improve my drawing and my photoshop colouring skills, and I was really happy with the little improvement I did. and stupid me just called him to have a look. his only reaction; nothing, and the worst part, he simply said he more interested with the picture next to it (which is the tutorial, mad by a professional artist). I know he is just joking. but it's hurt! it's really hurt! all my effort learing just gone like that. again. and he not even realised how sad I am. I even went to take bath to just cry (letting go my frustration) inside there

pas tu pasal lukisan chibi. ye la bagi aku susah nak lukis, and as far I concern ramai org lain yg tau lukis admire org pandai lukis chibi, coz bukan senang nak lukis chibi. ada tekniknya utk bg betul2 nampak chibi n kit. klu x betul, lain jadinya.
dan si mangkuk tu selamba badak babi kata, "lukisan chibi senang gila, apa yg sepcial sangat orng yg lukis chibi!". ceh! HANG PI LUKIS AKU SATU CHIBI YANG BETUL2 JADI DAN CANTK DAN COMEL baru aku terima ayat hang! lukis pon x tau!

seriously, I ONLY listen to those who can do what I do, or better than me. bukan soalan pandang rendah, tp biasanya orang yang x buat benda aku buat biasanya x akan paham betapa susahnya nak buat benda itu. diorang tau nak kritik aje. at least, that's how I see it, and that what he been exactly doing

salah satu kesnya 3D. senang aje cakap 3D tu senang la. x kan la yg tu pon x leh buat. buat sakit hati aku aje dengar. meluat! MELUAT TAU X?!! nasib baik geng2 aku yg buat 3D; sama ada terrer atau x, pham sangat perasaan aku. thanks guys....

du;u time lagu Run. aku ikutkan suka dua2 version. ok l, mungkin silap aku skit kata versi Leona Lewis lebih bagus, tapi yg dia tu, (dia suka versi original by Snow Patrol), bukan main sedap kutuk2 versi Leona Lewis, sucks la, weird la. padahal dah tau aku suka yg tu lebih! memang betul2 x tau nak jaga hati orang! bab tu la pastu aku jadi hipokrit skit by kata versi Snow Patrol suks la, diorg x tau nyanyi la. padahal aku suka gak versi orignal diorang. aku x larat dah ngan org kutuk2 benda aku suka dan aku diamkan diri dah.

selama nie aku tahan aje org lain buat macam tu. malas nak gaduh. biarkanlah depa. tp dia pon buat macam tu. mana aku x sakit hati. aku sedih tau, sedih!

memng hakikatnya dia sama aje ngan org lain. patut sedar dari awal2. aku yg bodoh. bodah sangat bercinta

it's not like I didn't want to talk to him about this. it's not like I don't want to tell him how much he had demoralized me badly. is like, if I told him, I would appear like whining too much. I would appear like complain too much. I would appear like asking too much from him. later he also gets annoyed with me. he will start to feel that he can no longer joke with me.....I guess I just remain silent and just layan him with what ever he likes. I just keep what ever I like to myself. only

conclusionnya, nie smua memang kes x jaga mulut la. kes x tau nak jaga hati org. so aku baik pas nie diam2 aje la. try my best not to talk too much. apa org kata, say yes aje la, ok aje la ngan apa depa suka. senang hidup. kalau nak cakap pon, biar topik yang depa suka. aku layam aje apa yg depa suka, coz, sapa la aku nie? manusia gak. aku gak boleh tersakitkan hati depa ngan pandangan aku, so baik aku berdiam diri aje

ceh dari dulu lagi aku buat macam nie. dah biasa sangat. orang x penah nak belajat suka apa yang aku suka. aku juga kena blajar suka apa yg depa suka, baru la ada 'geng'. sedih, sedih, sedih pada hakikat aku gak yang kena hidup di dunia ini dalam keadaan hipokrit. klu x, aku betul2 sorang2 di dunia nie