The Daily Life of Emily

this story had been kept for long because this girl doesn't want empathy from anyone. she did not want people to be friends with her because she is a pitiful person or because they pity on her. she wants real friends. so she kept her painful history only with her. taking all the pain to herself. never ever shared with anyone. but now, the girl going to voice them out


dated 20 years ago, a baby girl to a young couple. the girl grew up in a quite comfortable family, with a strict, but loving, caring and understand parents. the girl is happy


17 years ago, in Klang, Selangor, the girl begin to realize her life is isolated, since young she didn't have friends to play with it, her neighbors all have tall, brick, walls. and there's one neighbor whom have a nasty dog that would bark to her whenever she get close to play with
then she found companion on cats and teddy bears and dolls (which would be her obsession in later life)


16 years ago, in Sungai Udang, Melaka, she finally sent to kindergarten, she is happy, but also confuse, to find herself among many, unknown people. the people look her differently, as she is, 1 year younger to any of them. they isolated her. she is alone. and the food there is terrible!
during Ramadhan, where teachers would ask who is fasting so they will no need to eat during recess, the girl, wanting to avoid the horrible foods, lie that she is fasting
during recess, the girl n other who are fasting, went outside while others eat. the girl went to sit alone, while others start to play. they not even bother to ask her to play along. she just watch them. waiting to be ask to join. in the end, she played with cats
then there was a boy come in. he is from Brunei. they become good friends, until, the boy start to abuse n bullies her. she keep crying. her long hair always being pulled. her crayon always been taken away. her nice, new coloring book will be "graffiti" by him or his gang
she cries to her father, whom told her to fight back. he teaches her to punch
the next day, as they return home, she finally punch him to the face, right in front of her mother and his mother, whom been conversation with each other earlier
the mother is terrified with what she had saw. the girl just said that she don't want to be bullied again
she then just walk back home alone. after that, nobody dares to pick on her, nor being friend with her. she is lonely. very lonely. bit she still have cats as friends. she is ok with it

13 years ago, in Jitra, Kedah, she went to school. there she develops a painful crush on a boy same age with her. when he found out, after she confessed, not only he turned her down, he even begin to be nasty to her. taking advantage on her over the situation where she found it embarrassed after being rejected

she sits at the edge of her class, with another 2 girls next to her, to the exit. whenever she had to go out to go to her teacher or toilet, the middle girl will ask her money for payment, or get pinch in order to past. not wanting both, she slips under the table all the time, which would result her knee become very black for that even today it cannot be washed off
during the same period, her hair is getting shorter. people being cutting her hair from the back. there's one time they even cut the rubber, costing her long hair to loose n everyone would run away from her, either mockingly calling her "Hantu" or "Pontianak"
she make friends. but during recess, she will went venture the school alone. no one ever bother to ask her to join her for lunch. she just wonders among her friends, whom almost all of them have their own groups

and then begin to go library and entertain herself with reading. even the librarian were impressed with her, often reading high-level books for a 7-years-old girl. the girl is fascinated with a series of encyclopedia, but couldn't finish in a day and the book is cannot be borrowed. she secretly plead to the librarian teacher to let her borrow them. impressed, the librarian teacher permitted her to them but she must keep secret about it
she then begin to be close with a group of Indians students, but found their interest are nonsense but when she tries to bring a educational topic, the group starting to become boring. realizing she could bring the boring mood into the group that used to be cheerful, she voluntarily leaves

after wondering around, she finally make friends with 2 outcast, they finally become close, until one of them have to return to Pakistan (she is mixed Malaysian & Pakistan)
then a boy making a fuss in the class, picking on her. remembering her painful past. she involved in the fight. she smashed a chair to the boy. the boy cry, and went to get his sister. his sister arrived, angry at me, the girl didn't cry, but look at her with angry face.
they eventually leaves
then there's also a nasty boy would yell at her, called her "gemuk", "hodoh" or "hitam". but in front of his parents, the boy act like an angel. the girl is pissed off

not long after that, a stray cat wonders at her house. having fond of cats, the girl play with the cat. the cat eventually attached to her. it only listen to her. the cat kill mouses. the mother is happy. the cat would go out to see her go to school and the cat also will be the 1st to come out to greet her when she comes home. the girl is happy
her new neighbor then have a nasty dogs, that would attract other wild dogs around the area. the dog would bark to the girl. it even try to bite her. but her cat always there to protect her
but the girl's health suddenly go down. they found out the cat's fur is making her condition worst. but the girl, having the cat as pet n only friend, refuse to throw the cat away. however, her parents did, but the cat managed to return, much to the girl delight, knowing they are meant for each other. again, he parents did again, and this time, out of the girl's knowledge. when the cat didn't return for several days, the girl begin to cry. she only realized the truth in 7 years later.....


10 years ago, in Gerik, Perak, she didn't like her new place. she wants to be in Jitra. after 2 years struggle to get into 1st class, n when she finally could taste to be in the prestigious 1st class in Jitra, she had to move somewhere else. the girl is bitter about it
people in the new school are friendly......at 1st.....her 1st friend is in fact the daughter of the school headmaster
however, when she begin to excels in studies, people begin isolated her. when she cannot read Jawi properly, nobody help her. they laughed to her instead......the girl is terribly upset.....
but 1 day, she impressed everyone with her Jawi reading n writing skill. the girl did not wish to be laugh again

then the girl be friend with another outcast friend. but no long. she moved out. the girl is alone again. then the girl's health went down again. the dusty class cause her to ill. her classmates find it irritate when the teachers excused her from cleaning the class. they eventually make her do all courses in the classes in every week. if the girl complain to anyone, they would beat her. the girl have to wear handkerchief in the class. the girl always in pain. she would always sneeze. when she sat between 2 girls, they found her terribly annoying with the sneezing n flu, despite the girl using handkerchief. the girl would develop of phobia sitting in between n would choose sit at corners after that. the girl also begin to have a habit saying "sorry" every time she sneezes, or accidentally bump into any of them in other to ask them to forgive her. she carries this habits even today, much to many people wonders

she then moved to sit nect to a big girl, who without any reason would yelled at her and call her with terrible names like "pig", "muka hodoh" or "bodoh" when she ask something
the girl is in deep stress. she want to talk about it to her parents but that time her parents are busy; her father busy with works and her mother busy with an association that she got involved it, plus, the parents are very happy with their life in Gerik. upon hearing that, the girl keep quiet

she then happily makes friends with several people, only to learn later that they used her innocent and wealth as advantage. deeply hurt, she left them and eventually begin to make fool of herself so that people would pay attention to her

with her parents busy with their stuffs, the girl's studies drastically went down. she did not have any A this time. her friend "teaches" her to cheat in report card; liquid the results and write down good mark. her mother found out about and the girl is in big trouble

during the assembly, everyone lined up with a pair, and again, the girl is without her pair. she stands at the back, slightly reacting upon the assembly because her leg is hurt. when they went back to class, the girl stop at a class to retrive her chess back. when she return to the class, her class teacher is mad that someone been absent from the assembly earlier. the whole class pointing at the girl. confused the girl try to explain everything, but even those who actually behind her denied she is being there and the proof she is not in the assembly is the fact she entered the class late
the teacher punished her; stating truth is out from majority, not from 1 person. anger with the betrayal, she made promised in front of the class that she is innocent and during Judgement Day everyone will need to find her and ask her for forgiveness because she is not going to forgive them anymore. everyone laughed instead

during this time people would go around calling her big, fat ("macam gajah!"), black, ugly (black sheep), and hopeless in love. remembering her past crush incident. the girl is in pain n would often crying whenever see roses. she loves roses, but she don't feel anyone would ever gave her one
but in the end, remembering her betrayal, she decided not to loose anyone, she would find love, she would begin to flirting around. every time boys react, she wins; this big, fat, black and ugly girl can even "seduce" man into her

then one day, a fragile classmate of her approached her, stating, in her sad voice, that she had always wanted to be friends with her but couldn't, as others would not allowed her to. the girl was shocked. she is then determined, who ever her friends is (if she ever can get one), will be free to friend with anyone they want, regardless the person is her enemy or she hate that person. she will not control anyone's life

during almost end of year, the class is divided into 3 groups to perform for "Hari Anugerah". the girl is being kicked out from her group without any explanation than we don't need you
teachers eventually ask the girl n her other 2 friends that did not have their group to become judges. her former group perform terribly n the girl gave them less point
her former group members would go around n accused her taking revenge on them by giving them less point despite the girl keep stating their performance is indeed terrible and she stays her ground on it, being a bitter person by now

being a bitter person by now, she by now knows how to ignore other people teasing or jokes, making her unable to be good in reply teasing and jokes, making her reply in a physical form, which she begin to realize annoyed many and again she with withdrawn herself to involve in any, making her a boring person


8 years ago, in Malim Nawar, Perak, the girl moved into another isolated area, despite she wants to move to Ipoh, Perak's main capital. however, in this small town, she suddenly found herself with kind people. she finally starting to have friends. though some did turn quite nasty, but when she learns of their painful background, she forgives them

one day, her naughty classmate pushes her to a boy and runs away and said out loud "the new girl likes you! hahaha neardy!"
for the 1st time they notice each other despite they being classmates for almost a month, they both excel in arts, but the girl always impressed with the boy's arts
they appears to have crush on each other but non of them ever confessed, and even today, the girl still wonder whether the boy really like her or she just being dreaming to herself

she also receives several secret admire letters, but even today she couldn't figure out from whom, and based on her past experiences, she is also not sure weather they are genuine or another nasty people making fun of her. she just dunno.......

she is finally be able to feel happy in her life. she not exactly excel in her studies but she proves to be good in arts, poetry, she is good as a prefect, as a counselor (as she used her past experiences as guidance), she even gain respect even from the school bullies and gangster and they even listen to her when other couldn't do it. her past experience teaches her to deal with almost everyone. and to her luck, it appears nobody jealous of her this time

but the only thing she is slightly unlucky, she always gets into a lousy teams in any activities just to ended up losing. she never taste anything called victory. but it was not big deal xp

she always spend her time at the library whenever she is off duty. they she meet a boy, whom they eventually sharing a mutual liking. the boy is very kind and hardworking. he works hard to become as good as the girl but no matter how hard he tries, he could never be near the girl (the girl always in A class n he always in E class)
although the girl like his hard-working n sincere attitude, the girl realized they cannot be together, their world just different apart. the boy might be ok right now but the girl realized when they grew up, the boy would be jealous with the girl being better than him in term of study and life. the girl slowly walk away......and tell the boy not to give up and find another girl better than her.......

(NOTE: the boy still remain hardworking but like the girl had vision many years earlier, the boy did not continue study after SPM n even today he still did not have job, while the girl is comfortable doing her degree in a university)


4 years ago, in Bandar Tasik Puteri, Selangor. the girl being bitter again. after 3 years working hard to get herself into "Kelas Sastera" at 16, she found her new school did not have that class! what a luck comes into the girls head. she eventually took financial class and how much she hate it. the girl is aloof n not sociable. the Chinese students there are completely lazy and ill-mannered, totally opposite with the Chinese people she knew back in Malim Nawar. most of her classmates only like to talk about gossips, celebrities and talking behind people's back. they girl don't like any. she likes to read educational stuffs

then she unexpectedly make friend with the most quiet person in the class. apparently she is an outcast. she also have a traumatic experience with people. they eventually become good friends, even today, as they believe only they understand each other

she also finally tastes victory as she always in good team in any activities. she even earned herself several medals in sports, something she never thought she could achieve before

the girl would spend her time at library as the food there are terrible. the librarian teacher is impressed with her and for the next 2 years she would urge to become a librarian, and she would keep declining, refusing to busy herself with librarian works when she have SPM to worry about.

the girl's health go down again (probably because of stress of SPM). she would be found fainted in the class or in a school. most of her classmates think she is carrying diseases n refuse to associate with her much. but she surprisingly found the science class students are very friendly towards her n they even thinks her as their classmates despite she was with them only for the 1st 2 days when she arrived there


2 years ago, after out of confusion, the girl, now a big girl, enroll into LimKokWing University. the girl try to be alone as usual but when she keeps seeing people always in a group, she suddenly, for the 1st time in her life, become jealous and finally really realized all this while she had been alone. the sudden shock took the toll of her mentally

but she is also found herself with people that are MORE opening, MORE friendlier, MORE kinder, MORE understanding. and despite she also often involved in argument due to her lack of social understanding or lack of social behavior, as she haven't been into such crowded people around her, she, the once little girl, finally found herself happiness and friends......

but her lack of social understanding and social behavior often cause her troubles. she would often said wrong things. she would often do wrong things. she would often do reckless things, she would do things that embarrassed her. many things she did sincerely only to be look by others as her scheme or just a dramatic acting by her......

she likes 2 guys earlier, but both she being rejected, one because she is not beautiful and another is because of her behavior is being misunderstood. she keeps crying, remembering the past, with the fact, that, they may have been true, she is hopeless in love after all......

sometimes she felt embarrassed with herself, and to the people around her. but she never try to run away, she hold everything inside and go through her day because she do realized, there's a lot she needs to learn, she is learning, and still do


13th August 2008, when the girl entered a class, she saw a boy, and almost immediately, she have a crush on him. the girl is excited that the boy is from Sarawak as she always wanted a Sarawakian and a Chinese boy (or at least a Chinese looking boy)
she make sure he is single so that she can flirt around n dreaming of him (originally is for innocent purpose and just to filled up her empty love life)
but by chance, the boy continue to impress her, and they can easily have time together as they live at a same place, and the boy even react sometimes to her, the girl finally found herself to have actually really fall in love with the boy........she, at 1st, refuse to admit the feelings, as she enjoys her friendship with him, not wanting her friendships ruins over her confessions like the previous 2

but eventually she admit her feelings before holiday, not wanting her 3 months of holiday full of wonders if he really loves her too, or she been dreaming alone all this while. even if he says no, she is preparing for it, after all, she had always been "hopeless" in love
knowing the answer now will make her holiday at ease; if he likes her, she then can happily to live the holiday to know she is been loved, but if he declined, she can spend holiday dreaming of him only, without needing to wonder he likes her or not, the dreams that she would keep only to herself, only to herself, as usual.......

unexpectedly, he also likes her. all this while she hardly believe in any story 2 person in love. she only knows love from 1 side. like her always been. she likes other a boy but the boy never likes her. for the 1st time, she actually found herself in a love from both sides

they begin to be a happy couple. the girl is very happy. for once in her life she felt sheltered. for once she wants to be sheltered. for once she finally want to be pitied. for once she wants to cry to someone without feeling embarrassed. for once she finally felt a touch from a boy (she never touches any boy before, not even holding hand even the time of puppy love)

despite she is happy with the boy, the boy have made her life to the fullest. the girl suddenly realized religion matter. being blinded with love earlier, the girl had ignore the boy's warning. now religion matters begin to take the toll of her sanity. she begins to do reckless things often. she would often cause troubles. she would often do irritating stuffs; hurting both her friends the boy she dearly love alike, physically n mentally. she would often ill

the girl did want to loose the boy. the boy is everything to her. but she also realized she could not live in pain and troubled mind. she could gone insane if continue to. something must be done......

1st of July 2009. the girl finally ask to break-up. the girl, been crying non-stop for the past one month thinking of this matter, bitterly stating not to continue the relationship further so that no on ever get hurt further in future. however, it appears quite too late for each of them; they are madly in love with each other

they girl try many things to convince the boy over the religion matter, hoping to save their relationship. but when the girl failed to do so. she is upset not having enough patient, not good enough to help the boy. she is no longer wish to cry anymore. she refuse to get hurt anymore

the boy thinks she is being selfish, they boy said she did not love as much as he does......owh these words......are like thorn of roses.......from the very roses that she loved dearly......

selfish......did not loves him as much as he does......but if one day day, if ever one day he realized everything that she had done, that sound selfish to him.......is actually an act that of my pure love to him.......he would have realized if she did not love him much.....she would have ignore him.......

she finally to bid farewell to everything. she did not hate him. she cherish every moments she had with him. she hate crying. to her crying is sign of weakness. but now she realized, crying is also a way to released frustration and sadness, now she would let herself cry

after all, she is hopeless in love, what do you expect?

she felt empty and alone, but not weak, but getting strong instead

being with the boy had opened her up in many things. she had learn a lot. the boy also makes she realized more in life than the past. she must look forward

so she slowly take a step forward to an unknown future........


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and these words keep coming to my head.....selfish......she did not loves him as much as he does......but if one day day, if ever one day he realized everything that she had done, that sound selfish to him.......is actually an act that of her pure love to him.......he would have realized if she did not love him much.....she would have ignore him.......she would let them love each other and enjoy each other while on Earth and he dies in Hell while she's alone ascends to Heaven.........no she don't wants that! she wants they together go to Heaven.....
she wants him to go to Heaven.......she wants him to be safe and happily in Heaven.....after all.....he also went through a lot.....
He's been looking for answers.......she tries to help him to find answers......but since he couldn't accept any.....the girl sadly have to realized she had failed to help the very man she ever loved.......and that's more painful than the break-up.......even if they remain together......the thought of it will surely took her sanity soon.........

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so she walks away.......hoping by this, as friends, the pain is less, but that doesn't meant she is stop helping him, but this time, she could go with less pain and thought......

even after all these sufferings, she never questions God. God knows the best and everything God did and his wisdom are great, we will never know God's wisdom, if we does, we might as well become God our self

Her life may sounded like full of pain and sufferings, but thanks to this, she's getting stronger, she's getting mature. she can help other people. her failures is the sources of her in helping others

thanks to that boy, she is know more into religion. when she looks back, who knows, that the boy might had been sent by God to give her a great test, to open herself into religion more. if she had been with another boy with same religion, she might have took her religion for granted. who knows, in these 2 or 3 years, she might be wearing hijab already?