The Daily Life of Emily

I used to wish that I was a model. Wish had their slim, slender, curvy body. Wish had thier pretty, scar, pimple free flawless face. Wish have their luxuries lifestyle and surrounded by gorgeous men.

So it shouldn't be a surprise that I enjoyed America,s Next Top Model back then. The models, their assets, their higher-than-life lifestyle and job fasinates me. I really hope I can become slimmer and lose all the scars on my face and become a model like them someday.

But now here I'am. with a pc infront of me, with photoshop work in progress and a Wacom pen in my hand, I'm facing looking at the pc with some artworks needs to be done, I'm in an office-not surrounded by some gorgeous man in a luxury apartment. Nowadays I hardly watch ANTM-my views on them had changed somehow.

I still enjoy the fashions and style and chalkenges that presents within the show, but majority of the contestants disgust me a lot. I just can't stand seeing them bitching around and proud about it. I try my best not to have those typical stereotype view on the models but seriously I do feel majprity of them are indeed (childishly) shallow.

However the more it bothers me the more I begin to realise the reality. I begin to feel pity on them. Bitching, as it called, uncortunately, it's the way to survive in fashion world. The bitchier you're, the more likely you will survive in the fast-flowing fashion industry. I also realised in ANTM, most "bitches" always bitching around with something like, "you bitches are bitching on me coz' ya'all jealous ya'all ain't got body nice like me", "those bitches don't have confidence. I HAVE confidence", "I work harder than any of them, I deserved more than any of them".

This shows they have confident, if not over-confident, arrogance, vanity. Sadly, that's not the case for majority of them. Instead, they,re nothing but a fragile, low self-esteem child who did not have confident with what they have. They appeared strong but once being confronted, they break down, and lashes out to protect themselves, protecting their dignity, protecting what they want believe in themselves are true, not just a mere fantasy.

For these people, modelling is just not a career. This is how they get attention from others. This is how they want people to notice them. This is how they wanted people to realise they exist.

And again here I'am. I'm not thin. But I'am not fat either. My face have scars from previous pimples but they are healing. My body still haven't really fit to wear those luxuries and trendy clothes like the models been wearing. Everyday I just wearing simple t-shirt and plain jeans to the office. While I'm in deep thought of this, a message alert can be heard. I receive a short, but meaningful sms of "I Love U"

Replying the sms, with music from my iPod is still playing, I look to right and sees Hana, engrossed with her work. I look to the left and sees Hiro also engrossed with his work. I look to the front and sees my work is still in progress. I can see my artwork is still half-way done. I wanted tto finish the art fast as I'am thrill to see the outcome of my work. I'm loving with what I'm doing now. And so does Hana and Hiro. That is why we are here, in this office. I look to the left side my pc and sees the three photos of me and Bryan that I stick there three days ago.

I suddenly smile and quipped, "I love the life I'm having now"

finally I graduate, pretty scare tho. hoping to get a job, a proper job after this. omg I'm just scared...

as I went through this life, I believe I had try my best to consider n taking care other people's feelings, especially those I'm close and care with

BUT why is hard for them to consider my feelings?

ok I don't like what you like, but I don't go around and blurt out to you, criticizing your liking. I don't go around directly said "I hate them/him/her", "I don't go around said "They trash, how could possible anyone (you) like them", I don't go around laughing at other people's face for their liking

so I have an argument with somebody. tho it might sounds silly but we were argue about game. I'm alway pissed off with people who keep complaining or dissing about something when they not even give a try on it. Yes you got the picture here, so basically he keep complaining this and that, but since he never play that game, or for the sake or argument, yea he did see people playing before, only around a minute or less, or just been hearing a lil' bit of that game from there and there; so almost all his complains sounded utterly ridiculous!

for those who been following my blog, yeah u might been seeing me posting all emo stuffs, because that's the propose of THIS blog anyway; expressing my anger/frustration/sadness when I can describe them by words or voice
yeah i posted a lot of emo stuffs, ESPECIALLY when I got a fight with Bryan. but alas, we always make up-and here we go again as lovey-dovey couple
after all the fights, or the problems/troubles I had cause on Bryan, he still could forgive me, and continue to love me. He really can forgive me, and sometime he's not even mad at me, as if he had really understand me, my weird attitude, behavior, temper. so I was like; so that is why, "macam mana la aku tak sayang dia?" (how could I not love him?) :)

Saw that Coming, New that Coming, Just waiting the Time

though many times I reminded myself, I keep forgetting; keep been fooled, blinded with the "so-called-happiness" moments

I guess my limits also have come, time to really remind myself:

* you only have yourself
* nothing wrong being alone, no ones gonna hurt you
* when you help others. full stop. don't aspect others to return
* do all your things alone. don't ask for others' help. once you owe them. you're done
* just shut up and keep thing to yourself. no need to share. it's pointless
* be yourself, no need to give a fucking damn about others. they never consider your feelings to begin with
* help yourself. again, being alone is ACTUALLY cool

hope this will help me a lot in later life

sometimes when I'm in the "so-called happy" times, I always think everything I wrote in this blog are ridiculous, funny, and childish. there are even times I wanna delete some of my posts

but then again, when I think back, I shouldn't. when I think again, this blog, is actually, in fact, the real me. of many years and still is, I guess all my childishness is nothing to cover my emo-true-self. what I realised being all these childish helps me to overcome my anger, sadness, depression and frustrations. without them, I would have gone insane or commit suicide (I have attempted few time already actually)

when I think again also, having all these negative values is not wrong, is a FACT that you're facing life, reality. yeah reality is sucks, hurtful, and painful. I got these tons already

committing suicide is perhaps the best answer. but I couldn't bring myself to coz I keep thinking about those who are left behind. I seriously don't think any of my friends, or even Bryan would grief on me. even if they do, I don't think that would be too long. but what I know, and dare to 100% confirmed, my parents would-and that's the one and only reason preventing me from committing suicide

enough ranting this piece of shit. I'm back to my lifeless life

"Ili kena pindah, nanti Ili pasti rindu sama Adam"

sebenarnya ayat "Ili kena pindah, nanti Ili pasti rindu sama..............." adalah kata2 biasa Ili kepada semua rakan2 Ili apabila Ili kena pindah dari Malim Nawar, Perak, ke Rawang, Selangor. Cuma x tersangka kata2 itu yang kepada Adam adalah kata2 terakhir buat Ili kepada Adam

lebih kurang setahun lalu, Ili terjumpa FB Adam. wah wah wah Adam dah ada gf la. cun gak gf dia. atas sebab itulah Ili mengambil keputusan x mau mintak no hp dia. taku ssalah faham lak, tau la kan dunia nie banyak sangat mulut, banyak perkara yang x enak selalu kita boleh dengar.

ada2 la kita komen2 sama2 kat FB, tp dasar Adam pendiam, sekali dia komen, Ili komen balik, dia x penah lak komen balik. hu hu hu~


[8 Jun 2010]

Ili tengah tido, tension, stress, penat n etc etc etc ngan assignments, maklumlah submission 10 Jun ini. Alahai......
tgh2 tido, dlm lebih kurang kul 11.30 mlm. talifon berbunyi. nama Syarifah terpampang. dengan ngantuk sekali Ili menjawab

"Hello................."

"Hello Ili. Eh Ili? Tengah tido ka? sowie sowie"

nada Syarifah bunyi agak sedih. Ili memang tgh mengantuk gila. tp memang falsafah Ili dalam apa keaadan jua pon, cuba jawab talifon, we'll never know apa news yg kita akan dpt

"X pe Syarip, cakap ajelah"

"Ili......Adam dah x da....."

Ili terdiam. Terkelu

"eh Syarip.....betul ke nie?"

"betul Ili, Adam meninggal tadi......denggi berdarah...."

Astaga

"sa....sapa....sapa dah tau?"

"ramai gak la...."

"thanks.....Sharip, terima kasih kerana bgtau...."

"x pe....saya pergi dulu"

"urm ok, Assalamualaikum"

"Walaikumussalam"

panggilan sudah tamat. tp Ili masih memegang talifon. terkelu. tidak percaya. Ili tau Syarifah bukan jenis membuat lawak sangat, apatah lagi melibatkan soal hidup mati orang. Ili tau Syarifah x menipu atau melawak, tp Ili cuma x mau percaya. Ili ambik talifon dan cuba call Iqlima.

tiada orang mengangkat

Ili talifon Mior

"Assalamualikum Mior"

"Wa'alaikumussalam Ili"

"Mior awak ada dengar khabar?"

"maksud Ili, Adam ke?"

"a'ah, betul ke? betul....ke....dia dah.....meninggal?"

"betul Ili...."

terkelu Ili

"bila dia akan dikebumikam Mior?

"entah la, esok pagi Insya'allah"

"td....td Syarip ada la call. dia bgtau Ili Adam meninggal. Ili terkejut Mior. Terkejut. x tau nak caya ke x. u la td call Iqlima tp dia x jwb so Ili call la Mior......"

"betul Ili, Mior pon terkejut Ili"

"Mior.....aku x dpt blk la......nanti tlg ucapkan takziah kepada smua ahli keluarga Adam....."

"oh boleh Ili, boleh"

"terima kasih Mior. Salam"

"Salam Ili"

Ili terdiam. ngantuk hilang serta-merta. keliru. sedih. tergaman. semua ada. Ili talifon Bryan. kata nak jumpa dia. dia datang, kita pergi ke taman di bawah (ramai orang lagi time tu, biasa la Desaria-budak2 foreigner smuanya gila2). Ili bgtau yg kawan baik Ili dr sekolah rendah meninggal. Ili diam sebentar. tau2 air mata dah meleleh. Bryan pujuk Ili. bgtau bwk bersabar n bawa bertenang.....Ili just menangis aje


[9 Jun 2010]

Arwah selamat dikebumikan pada jam 11.30. Alhamdullillah. Ili dpt berita nie dari Mior. terima kasih Mior.

selebihnya x usah la Ili cerita. kita simpan aje la



[Kenagan Lama]

teringat balik time mula2 jumpa Adam n kawan2 yg lain kat Malim Nawar. time tu Ili 12 tahun. Ili baru pindah dari Gerik. banyak la kawan2 Ili riuh-rendah la, tp si Adam nie pendiam. slalu buat muka poyo dia. kita tanya satu dia jawab satu. kita tanya dua, dia jawab gak satu ^^;;;

masuk form 1 sama klas, sampai la form 3, apasai sampai form 3 aje? Ili kena pindah :'( ke Rawang. ok la dekat ngan KL, tp.....Ili x mau tinggalkan Malim Nawar. banyak kenangan indah kat situ....

x banyak la nak bercerita pasal Adam, budah tu pendiam. yg Ili tau2 mak n bapak dia tu cikgu kat sekolah menengah kita 0.0 n cikgu favourite Ili time form 1, Cikgu Salbiah, rupa2nya mak dia :0 uih jgn2 sebab tu la dia diam time sekolah menangah kena jg perangai hehe- x da la, dia memang budak baik :)

lebih kurang time form 2-3, Ili ngan Mior gila baca komk Sekolah Detektice Q, kita mcm buat "unofficial" group peminat, every time komik dia keluar smu mesti pakat beli atau pinjam, baca then discuss sapa pembunuhnya. dlm group kita ada Ili, Mior, Anuar, Firdaus dan Adam. budak tu join gak hehe. x sure Amirul dan Afiq join ke x

satu lg pasal Adam, dlm senyap2 n muka poyo dia, dia agak witty XD leh tahan gak sarcastic dia. n dia bijak. dia opposite Afiq skit la. sma2 bijak tp Afiq VERY lively (mak aih) tp Adam nie pendiam. x rest of the class kira normal la (except Ili, budak gila hehe)


bila difikirkan balik, mcm x caya dia dah x da....Ili sangka satu hari nanti boleh la kita smua berkumpul dan berjumpa balik. masih boleh dibuat. mungkin cuma x akan sama lagi la. sebab kita dah kekurangan satu orang :'(

kita harap Adam detempatkan bersama-sama org yg beriman. Amin

time darjah 6, Ili buat sambutan birthday kat sekolah

time majlis akhir darjah 6. inilah antara rare time kita leh tengok Adam sedikit 'hyper'

mula2 jumpa FB adam, gambaq nie la Ili tgk, poyo siot!

pastu nampak lak gambaq nie, poyo mcm tu gak

pastu gambaq nie la gambar arwah guna sampai la skrg....

antara gambar arwah yg leh dikira terbaru

gambar luar class (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar dalam class (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar time melepak (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar akhir tahun Form 5 (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

my life recently is getting depress than ever. I just really need some support, but apparently I hardly get any. no one. not even my good friend. not even my sibling. not even him...

seriously I don't mind people criticizing my likings, but, somehow, they criticize really very badly, and they opinions are really harsh. and it's not like every now and then. it's just too often. I mean, they too often criticism is too much for me. too much. it's just like everything I like is wrong. it's just wrong to them

it's had been only me been nice to them. I hardly criticize what they like, or even if I do, I mostly didn't go harsh. coz I know, what they like is might not to my liking. who am I to judge what they like? but unfortunately they don't feel that way though

maybe that's why I hardly (or actually never) share any of my likings to anyone. the only definition they know there's nothing with my likings is if I like WHAT they liked...

last time when I'm with him, I FINALLY thought I could express anything I like, without any criticism, or at least, the way him comment would not be too harsh

but alas, how much I was wrong! he is no better than any of them. of coz there are things he likes what I shared with him (but seriously I wonder are they for real, or just to please me? - but like I care, at least he tried to make me happy), but the things he doesn't like, are more, and he don't accept them nicely. not at all! all the things he criticize really hurts my heart

seriously I just really want to scream, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE (WHAT I LIKE), WHY CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCKED UP??!"
seriously do you guys really need to all bad thing about my likings??!! even by saying nicely like "sorry it's not my likings" or "no thanks. not my cup of tea" also can't
it's has been me saying those words

last time he did said he realized he had been demoralizing me. and for a moment am glad he do realize it. but as times goes by, he really demoralized me badly.....and I believe all my harsh attitudes towards certain people are the effects (of my frustration). I could no longer hold my patient with humans. stupid humans

realizing all this, he is also just like others, I must really stop sharing things with him. like I did to others. everything I like, just keep to myself. it's safer and nicer that way. maybe I would go back talking to Iyoshi Kenji (my teddy bear) again. after all. he is my best friend. my true friend. he would never talk back. unlike those stupid humans

some of the things I could recall is the recent incident. the "Avril Lavigne incident". despite they had aware I like Avril Lavigne, they just go on talk badly about her. very harshly. saying all her songs lame, when I liked it so much. I often felt like they seems don't respect what I like
ok la ok la, I got it, she's hypocrite. but just because you don't like her you all kutuk dia abis2, ngan lagu2 dia skali? padahal dok tau aku minat giler kat lagu2 dia. kiranya aku minat gak Avril as a person, x yah la nak kutuk2 dia lagu when you guys tahu aku suka kat dia...kalau korang x tau aku kisah la, nie x, korang tau

I'm not really complaining regarding the incident, it's just some example I can remember. these type of incidents happens a lot to me. A LOT

dulu ada la gak kes similiar ngan kawan aku. kita cakap pasal aktess A dan B. aku bgtau aku suka si A, tapi dia x suka A, tapi B. aku ikutkan x suka si B tu, tp coz dia suka, aku diam aje la. tp dia, amboi, macam2 dia kata. dah tau aku suka, tapi mulut x henti2 cakap, sedap. panas gak, tapi sabar aje la

kalau aku buat benda yang sama, bagi pandangan x setuju aku, atau kiritkan pedas aku mcm mana depa bg kat aku, sure aku lak yg dibrandkan jahat...

and what he always did to me, when-ever I suggest him, or share anything that he didn't like it, dia kutuk abis2an. pas tu bila suka, lain pula bunyinya. example paling senang dan tepat. GE. dulu bukan main lagi kutuk2. tu la x betul. nie la x betul. game sucks la. sekarang? entah berapa ratus ringgit dah abis. memang dasar hipokrit!

I missed singing so much. but whenever I sang, he surely laugh to me. sometimes I do really feel I want to say to his face, "MACAM LA KO TERRER NYANYI SANGAT". but I don't have a heart to say so. after all, that's what he likes to do. I wouldn't want to say bad to the things he likes to do. and plus, he could answer that at least he sang better than me. now only when I'm alone I would sing to all my heart. maybe that's why I like to be alone recently

and then, my drawing also had been very frustrating. no matter how hard I tried, I could never be better. and I also I would never be able to impress him. he will always give harsh criticism. early of coz I would got spirited to improve them, but as its getting often, I really feel like hating to draw anymore. I do wish he at least said nicely what should I improve, instead of just shooting like that. it's really quite tempting for me to just shout, "HANG LUKIS PON X PANDAI, SEDAP MULUT AJE NAK CRITICIZE ORANG!!"

I just been working hard to improve my drawing and my photoshop colouring skills, and I was really happy with the little improvement I did. and stupid me just called him to have a look. his only reaction; nothing, and the worst part, he simply said he more interested with the picture next to it (which is the tutorial, mad by a professional artist). I know he is just joking. but it's hurt! it's really hurt! all my effort learing just gone like that. again. and he not even realised how sad I am. I even went to take bath to just cry (letting go my frustration) inside there

pas tu pasal lukisan chibi. ye la bagi aku susah nak lukis, and as far I concern ramai org lain yg tau lukis admire org pandai lukis chibi, coz bukan senang nak lukis chibi. ada tekniknya utk bg betul2 nampak chibi n kit. klu x betul, lain jadinya.
dan si mangkuk tu selamba badak babi kata, "lukisan chibi senang gila, apa yg sepcial sangat orng yg lukis chibi!". ceh! HANG PI LUKIS AKU SATU CHIBI YANG BETUL2 JADI DAN CANTK DAN COMEL baru aku terima ayat hang! lukis pon x tau!

seriously, I ONLY listen to those who can do what I do, or better than me. bukan soalan pandang rendah, tp biasanya orang yang x buat benda aku buat biasanya x akan paham betapa susahnya nak buat benda itu. diorang tau nak kritik aje. at least, that's how I see it, and that what he been exactly doing

salah satu kesnya 3D. senang aje cakap 3D tu senang la. x kan la yg tu pon x leh buat. buat sakit hati aku aje dengar. meluat! MELUAT TAU X?!! nasib baik geng2 aku yg buat 3D; sama ada terrer atau x, pham sangat perasaan aku. thanks guys....

du;u time lagu Run. aku ikutkan suka dua2 version. ok l, mungkin silap aku skit kata versi Leona Lewis lebih bagus, tapi yg dia tu, (dia suka versi original by Snow Patrol), bukan main sedap kutuk2 versi Leona Lewis, sucks la, weird la. padahal dah tau aku suka yg tu lebih! memang betul2 x tau nak jaga hati orang! bab tu la pastu aku jadi hipokrit skit by kata versi Snow Patrol suks la, diorg x tau nyanyi la. padahal aku suka gak versi orignal diorang. aku x larat dah ngan org kutuk2 benda aku suka dan aku diamkan diri dah.

selama nie aku tahan aje org lain buat macam tu. malas nak gaduh. biarkanlah depa. tp dia pon buat macam tu. mana aku x sakit hati. aku sedih tau, sedih!

memng hakikatnya dia sama aje ngan org lain. patut sedar dari awal2. aku yg bodoh. bodah sangat bercinta

it's not like I didn't want to talk to him about this. it's not like I don't want to tell him how much he had demoralized me badly. is like, if I told him, I would appear like whining too much. I would appear like complain too much. I would appear like asking too much from him. later he also gets annoyed with me. he will start to feel that he can no longer joke with me.....I guess I just remain silent and just layan him with what ever he likes. I just keep what ever I like to myself. only

conclusionnya, nie smua memang kes x jaga mulut la. kes x tau nak jaga hati org. so aku baik pas nie diam2 aje la. try my best not to talk too much. apa org kata, say yes aje la, ok aje la ngan apa depa suka. senang hidup. kalau nak cakap pon, biar topik yang depa suka. aku layam aje apa yg depa suka, coz, sapa la aku nie? manusia gak. aku gak boleh tersakitkan hati depa ngan pandangan aku, so baik aku berdiam diri aje

ceh dari dulu lagi aku buat macam nie. dah biasa sangat. orang x penah nak belajat suka apa yang aku suka. aku juga kena blajar suka apa yg depa suka, baru la ada 'geng'. sedih, sedih, sedih pada hakikat aku gak yang kena hidup di dunia ini dalam keadaan hipokrit. klu x, aku betul2 sorang2 di dunia nie