The Daily Life of Emily

for those who been following my blog, yeah u might been seeing me posting all emo stuffs, because that's the propose of THIS blog anyway; expressing my anger/frustration/sadness when I can describe them by words or voice
yeah i posted a lot of emo stuffs, ESPECIALLY when I got a fight with Bryan. but alas, we always make up-and here we go again as lovey-dovey couple
after all the fights, or the problems/troubles I had cause on Bryan, he still could forgive me, and continue to love me. He really can forgive me, and sometime he's not even mad at me, as if he had really understand me, my weird attitude, behavior, temper. so I was like; so that is why, "macam mana la aku tak sayang dia?" (how could I not love him?) :)

Saw that Coming, New that Coming, Just waiting the Time

though many times I reminded myself, I keep forgetting; keep been fooled, blinded with the "so-called-happiness" moments

I guess my limits also have come, time to really remind myself:

* you only have yourself
* nothing wrong being alone, no ones gonna hurt you
* when you help others. full stop. don't aspect others to return
* do all your things alone. don't ask for others' help. once you owe them. you're done
* just shut up and keep thing to yourself. no need to share. it's pointless
* be yourself, no need to give a fucking damn about others. they never consider your feelings to begin with
* help yourself. again, being alone is ACTUALLY cool

hope this will help me a lot in later life

sometimes when I'm in the "so-called happy" times, I always think everything I wrote in this blog are ridiculous, funny, and childish. there are even times I wanna delete some of my posts

but then again, when I think back, I shouldn't. when I think again, this blog, is actually, in fact, the real me. of many years and still is, I guess all my childishness is nothing to cover my emo-true-self. what I realised being all these childish helps me to overcome my anger, sadness, depression and frustrations. without them, I would have gone insane or commit suicide (I have attempted few time already actually)

when I think again also, having all these negative values is not wrong, is a FACT that you're facing life, reality. yeah reality is sucks, hurtful, and painful. I got these tons already

committing suicide is perhaps the best answer. but I couldn't bring myself to coz I keep thinking about those who are left behind. I seriously don't think any of my friends, or even Bryan would grief on me. even if they do, I don't think that would be too long. but what I know, and dare to 100% confirmed, my parents would-and that's the one and only reason preventing me from committing suicide

enough ranting this piece of shit. I'm back to my lifeless life

"Ili kena pindah, nanti Ili pasti rindu sama Adam"

sebenarnya ayat "Ili kena pindah, nanti Ili pasti rindu sama..............." adalah kata2 biasa Ili kepada semua rakan2 Ili apabila Ili kena pindah dari Malim Nawar, Perak, ke Rawang, Selangor. Cuma x tersangka kata2 itu yang kepada Adam adalah kata2 terakhir buat Ili kepada Adam

lebih kurang setahun lalu, Ili terjumpa FB Adam. wah wah wah Adam dah ada gf la. cun gak gf dia. atas sebab itulah Ili mengambil keputusan x mau mintak no hp dia. taku ssalah faham lak, tau la kan dunia nie banyak sangat mulut, banyak perkara yang x enak selalu kita boleh dengar.

ada2 la kita komen2 sama2 kat FB, tp dasar Adam pendiam, sekali dia komen, Ili komen balik, dia x penah lak komen balik. hu hu hu~


[8 Jun 2010]

Ili tengah tido, tension, stress, penat n etc etc etc ngan assignments, maklumlah submission 10 Jun ini. Alahai......
tgh2 tido, dlm lebih kurang kul 11.30 mlm. talifon berbunyi. nama Syarifah terpampang. dengan ngantuk sekali Ili menjawab

"Hello................."

"Hello Ili. Eh Ili? Tengah tido ka? sowie sowie"

nada Syarifah bunyi agak sedih. Ili memang tgh mengantuk gila. tp memang falsafah Ili dalam apa keaadan jua pon, cuba jawab talifon, we'll never know apa news yg kita akan dpt

"X pe Syarip, cakap ajelah"

"Ili......Adam dah x da....."

Ili terdiam. Terkelu

"eh Syarip.....betul ke nie?"

"betul Ili, Adam meninggal tadi......denggi berdarah...."

Astaga

"sa....sapa....sapa dah tau?"

"ramai gak la...."

"thanks.....Sharip, terima kasih kerana bgtau...."

"x pe....saya pergi dulu"

"urm ok, Assalamualaikum"

"Walaikumussalam"

panggilan sudah tamat. tp Ili masih memegang talifon. terkelu. tidak percaya. Ili tau Syarifah bukan jenis membuat lawak sangat, apatah lagi melibatkan soal hidup mati orang. Ili tau Syarifah x menipu atau melawak, tp Ili cuma x mau percaya. Ili ambik talifon dan cuba call Iqlima.

tiada orang mengangkat

Ili talifon Mior

"Assalamualikum Mior"

"Wa'alaikumussalam Ili"

"Mior awak ada dengar khabar?"

"maksud Ili, Adam ke?"

"a'ah, betul ke? betul....ke....dia dah.....meninggal?"

"betul Ili...."

terkelu Ili

"bila dia akan dikebumikam Mior?

"entah la, esok pagi Insya'allah"

"td....td Syarip ada la call. dia bgtau Ili Adam meninggal. Ili terkejut Mior. Terkejut. x tau nak caya ke x. u la td call Iqlima tp dia x jwb so Ili call la Mior......"

"betul Ili, Mior pon terkejut Ili"

"Mior.....aku x dpt blk la......nanti tlg ucapkan takziah kepada smua ahli keluarga Adam....."

"oh boleh Ili, boleh"

"terima kasih Mior. Salam"

"Salam Ili"

Ili terdiam. ngantuk hilang serta-merta. keliru. sedih. tergaman. semua ada. Ili talifon Bryan. kata nak jumpa dia. dia datang, kita pergi ke taman di bawah (ramai orang lagi time tu, biasa la Desaria-budak2 foreigner smuanya gila2). Ili bgtau yg kawan baik Ili dr sekolah rendah meninggal. Ili diam sebentar. tau2 air mata dah meleleh. Bryan pujuk Ili. bgtau bwk bersabar n bawa bertenang.....Ili just menangis aje


[9 Jun 2010]

Arwah selamat dikebumikan pada jam 11.30. Alhamdullillah. Ili dpt berita nie dari Mior. terima kasih Mior.

selebihnya x usah la Ili cerita. kita simpan aje la



[Kenagan Lama]

teringat balik time mula2 jumpa Adam n kawan2 yg lain kat Malim Nawar. time tu Ili 12 tahun. Ili baru pindah dari Gerik. banyak la kawan2 Ili riuh-rendah la, tp si Adam nie pendiam. slalu buat muka poyo dia. kita tanya satu dia jawab satu. kita tanya dua, dia jawab gak satu ^^;;;

masuk form 1 sama klas, sampai la form 3, apasai sampai form 3 aje? Ili kena pindah :'( ke Rawang. ok la dekat ngan KL, tp.....Ili x mau tinggalkan Malim Nawar. banyak kenangan indah kat situ....

x banyak la nak bercerita pasal Adam, budah tu pendiam. yg Ili tau2 mak n bapak dia tu cikgu kat sekolah menengah kita 0.0 n cikgu favourite Ili time form 1, Cikgu Salbiah, rupa2nya mak dia :0 uih jgn2 sebab tu la dia diam time sekolah menangah kena jg perangai hehe- x da la, dia memang budak baik :)

lebih kurang time form 2-3, Ili ngan Mior gila baca komk Sekolah Detektice Q, kita mcm buat "unofficial" group peminat, every time komik dia keluar smu mesti pakat beli atau pinjam, baca then discuss sapa pembunuhnya. dlm group kita ada Ili, Mior, Anuar, Firdaus dan Adam. budak tu join gak hehe. x sure Amirul dan Afiq join ke x

satu lg pasal Adam, dlm senyap2 n muka poyo dia, dia agak witty XD leh tahan gak sarcastic dia. n dia bijak. dia opposite Afiq skit la. sma2 bijak tp Afiq VERY lively (mak aih) tp Adam nie pendiam. x rest of the class kira normal la (except Ili, budak gila hehe)


bila difikirkan balik, mcm x caya dia dah x da....Ili sangka satu hari nanti boleh la kita smua berkumpul dan berjumpa balik. masih boleh dibuat. mungkin cuma x akan sama lagi la. sebab kita dah kekurangan satu orang :'(

kita harap Adam detempatkan bersama-sama org yg beriman. Amin

time darjah 6, Ili buat sambutan birthday kat sekolah

time majlis akhir darjah 6. inilah antara rare time kita leh tengok Adam sedikit 'hyper'

mula2 jumpa FB adam, gambaq nie la Ili tgk, poyo siot!

pastu nampak lak gambaq nie, poyo mcm tu gak

pastu gambaq nie la gambar arwah guna sampai la skrg....

antara gambar arwah yg leh dikira terbaru

gambar luar class (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar dalam class (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar time melepak (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

gambar akhir tahun Form 5 (courtesy Firdaus Othman)

my life recently is getting depress than ever. I just really need some support, but apparently I hardly get any. no one. not even my good friend. not even my sibling. not even him...

seriously I don't mind people criticizing my likings, but, somehow, they criticize really very badly, and they opinions are really harsh. and it's not like every now and then. it's just too often. I mean, they too often criticism is too much for me. too much. it's just like everything I like is wrong. it's just wrong to them

it's had been only me been nice to them. I hardly criticize what they like, or even if I do, I mostly didn't go harsh. coz I know, what they like is might not to my liking. who am I to judge what they like? but unfortunately they don't feel that way though

maybe that's why I hardly (or actually never) share any of my likings to anyone. the only definition they know there's nothing with my likings is if I like WHAT they liked...

last time when I'm with him, I FINALLY thought I could express anything I like, without any criticism, or at least, the way him comment would not be too harsh

but alas, how much I was wrong! he is no better than any of them. of coz there are things he likes what I shared with him (but seriously I wonder are they for real, or just to please me? - but like I care, at least he tried to make me happy), but the things he doesn't like, are more, and he don't accept them nicely. not at all! all the things he criticize really hurts my heart

seriously I just really want to scream, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE (WHAT I LIKE), WHY CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCKED UP??!"
seriously do you guys really need to all bad thing about my likings??!! even by saying nicely like "sorry it's not my likings" or "no thanks. not my cup of tea" also can't
it's has been me saying those words

last time he did said he realized he had been demoralizing me. and for a moment am glad he do realize it. but as times goes by, he really demoralized me badly.....and I believe all my harsh attitudes towards certain people are the effects (of my frustration). I could no longer hold my patient with humans. stupid humans

realizing all this, he is also just like others, I must really stop sharing things with him. like I did to others. everything I like, just keep to myself. it's safer and nicer that way. maybe I would go back talking to Iyoshi Kenji (my teddy bear) again. after all. he is my best friend. my true friend. he would never talk back. unlike those stupid humans

some of the things I could recall is the recent incident. the "Avril Lavigne incident". despite they had aware I like Avril Lavigne, they just go on talk badly about her. very harshly. saying all her songs lame, when I liked it so much. I often felt like they seems don't respect what I like
ok la ok la, I got it, she's hypocrite. but just because you don't like her you all kutuk dia abis2, ngan lagu2 dia skali? padahal dok tau aku minat giler kat lagu2 dia. kiranya aku minat gak Avril as a person, x yah la nak kutuk2 dia lagu when you guys tahu aku suka kat dia...kalau korang x tau aku kisah la, nie x, korang tau

I'm not really complaining regarding the incident, it's just some example I can remember. these type of incidents happens a lot to me. A LOT

dulu ada la gak kes similiar ngan kawan aku. kita cakap pasal aktess A dan B. aku bgtau aku suka si A, tapi dia x suka A, tapi B. aku ikutkan x suka si B tu, tp coz dia suka, aku diam aje la. tp dia, amboi, macam2 dia kata. dah tau aku suka, tapi mulut x henti2 cakap, sedap. panas gak, tapi sabar aje la

kalau aku buat benda yang sama, bagi pandangan x setuju aku, atau kiritkan pedas aku mcm mana depa bg kat aku, sure aku lak yg dibrandkan jahat...

and what he always did to me, when-ever I suggest him, or share anything that he didn't like it, dia kutuk abis2an. pas tu bila suka, lain pula bunyinya. example paling senang dan tepat. GE. dulu bukan main lagi kutuk2. tu la x betul. nie la x betul. game sucks la. sekarang? entah berapa ratus ringgit dah abis. memang dasar hipokrit!

I missed singing so much. but whenever I sang, he surely laugh to me. sometimes I do really feel I want to say to his face, "MACAM LA KO TERRER NYANYI SANGAT". but I don't have a heart to say so. after all, that's what he likes to do. I wouldn't want to say bad to the things he likes to do. and plus, he could answer that at least he sang better than me. now only when I'm alone I would sing to all my heart. maybe that's why I like to be alone recently

and then, my drawing also had been very frustrating. no matter how hard I tried, I could never be better. and I also I would never be able to impress him. he will always give harsh criticism. early of coz I would got spirited to improve them, but as its getting often, I really feel like hating to draw anymore. I do wish he at least said nicely what should I improve, instead of just shooting like that. it's really quite tempting for me to just shout, "HANG LUKIS PON X PANDAI, SEDAP MULUT AJE NAK CRITICIZE ORANG!!"

I just been working hard to improve my drawing and my photoshop colouring skills, and I was really happy with the little improvement I did. and stupid me just called him to have a look. his only reaction; nothing, and the worst part, he simply said he more interested with the picture next to it (which is the tutorial, mad by a professional artist). I know he is just joking. but it's hurt! it's really hurt! all my effort learing just gone like that. again. and he not even realised how sad I am. I even went to take bath to just cry (letting go my frustration) inside there

pas tu pasal lukisan chibi. ye la bagi aku susah nak lukis, and as far I concern ramai org lain yg tau lukis admire org pandai lukis chibi, coz bukan senang nak lukis chibi. ada tekniknya utk bg betul2 nampak chibi n kit. klu x betul, lain jadinya.
dan si mangkuk tu selamba badak babi kata, "lukisan chibi senang gila, apa yg sepcial sangat orng yg lukis chibi!". ceh! HANG PI LUKIS AKU SATU CHIBI YANG BETUL2 JADI DAN CANTK DAN COMEL baru aku terima ayat hang! lukis pon x tau!

seriously, I ONLY listen to those who can do what I do, or better than me. bukan soalan pandang rendah, tp biasanya orang yang x buat benda aku buat biasanya x akan paham betapa susahnya nak buat benda itu. diorang tau nak kritik aje. at least, that's how I see it, and that what he been exactly doing

salah satu kesnya 3D. senang aje cakap 3D tu senang la. x kan la yg tu pon x leh buat. buat sakit hati aku aje dengar. meluat! MELUAT TAU X?!! nasib baik geng2 aku yg buat 3D; sama ada terrer atau x, pham sangat perasaan aku. thanks guys....

du;u time lagu Run. aku ikutkan suka dua2 version. ok l, mungkin silap aku skit kata versi Leona Lewis lebih bagus, tapi yg dia tu, (dia suka versi original by Snow Patrol), bukan main sedap kutuk2 versi Leona Lewis, sucks la, weird la. padahal dah tau aku suka yg tu lebih! memang betul2 x tau nak jaga hati orang! bab tu la pastu aku jadi hipokrit skit by kata versi Snow Patrol suks la, diorg x tau nyanyi la. padahal aku suka gak versi orignal diorang. aku x larat dah ngan org kutuk2 benda aku suka dan aku diamkan diri dah.

selama nie aku tahan aje org lain buat macam tu. malas nak gaduh. biarkanlah depa. tp dia pon buat macam tu. mana aku x sakit hati. aku sedih tau, sedih!

memng hakikatnya dia sama aje ngan org lain. patut sedar dari awal2. aku yg bodoh. bodah sangat bercinta

it's not like I didn't want to talk to him about this. it's not like I don't want to tell him how much he had demoralized me badly. is like, if I told him, I would appear like whining too much. I would appear like complain too much. I would appear like asking too much from him. later he also gets annoyed with me. he will start to feel that he can no longer joke with me.....I guess I just remain silent and just layan him with what ever he likes. I just keep what ever I like to myself. only

conclusionnya, nie smua memang kes x jaga mulut la. kes x tau nak jaga hati org. so aku baik pas nie diam2 aje la. try my best not to talk too much. apa org kata, say yes aje la, ok aje la ngan apa depa suka. senang hidup. kalau nak cakap pon, biar topik yang depa suka. aku layam aje apa yg depa suka, coz, sapa la aku nie? manusia gak. aku gak boleh tersakitkan hati depa ngan pandangan aku, so baik aku berdiam diri aje

ceh dari dulu lagi aku buat macam nie. dah biasa sangat. orang x penah nak belajat suka apa yang aku suka. aku juga kena blajar suka apa yg depa suka, baru la ada 'geng'. sedih, sedih, sedih pada hakikat aku gak yang kena hidup di dunia ini dalam keadaan hipokrit. klu x, aku betul2 sorang2 di dunia nie

http://emilygamingworld.blogspot.com/

a short story about a slice of life between two people from different race and religious belief and different view of lifestle

there was a girl, who is dreaming of marrying her lover, who is, from different race and religious belief
this girl won't leave her religion and even want her lover to convert into her belief
though decision, though decision
no one knows what hold them both in the future

but lets says if this relationship works?
the boys convert into the girl's belief?
the boy had made a big sacrifice in his life. his life would not be the same. was it better? or was it worst? nobody knows

then lets say they have children. the girl wanted the child to be the race of the father. and of course. the father would love it be that way
but then, the girl soon realized the future of the child would be brighter if the child have her race instead, due to the condition of the country they live, the girl's race are the majority

the girl is unsure....she knows the boy had make big sacrifice by converting to he belief so that he can be with her......and now you asked the child to be as her race? despite the rules says follows the father? how come suddenly the race can easily swapped to the mother just because her race is the majority in their country?

the girl stood silently. soon she decided. a firm decision. the boy had made big sacrifice by letting go his beliefs for her and now she will make big sacrifice by letting go her race for him
she knows her decision will make her family angry with her. but she don't care anymore. now, he is her family. loves means sacrifice for each other

the girl sat quietly. looking at the sky. this is her decision. she wouldn't know what the boy would decide. what-ever the decision will be, she just hope their child when grown up, the child wouldn't get angry or upset with the race he had become out of their decision

the girl looked outside. she saw her land. the race land. she loves them. but still she? she loves them very much. but not her boy. her boy hates their land. the girl had seen what their land did to his race. being a minority in any land is not easy, here the boy is a minority. the girl is a majority. doesn't seems fair. not fair. not fair at all. the girl girl knew

the boy had made sacrifice with his decision. a decision that had changed his life forever. the girl 1st sacrifice is nothing compare to his. so she decided to do more. leave her land and follow to where the boy wanted. to girl also felt it would no longer the same if she lives in the land she loves but hated by her beloved boy. she also knows what-ever land the boy choose would suits her liking and she knows well how to adapt her life. she hopes so. now all the girl could wish their child is happy with the land they going to settle

the end? not so sure. life still ahead for the two of them

ok, I just got new laptop, and its default Windows operation is the latest Windows 7. wow. I couldn't help but to love it, but.....

1st, I can login to y goddamn MSN, message keep poping out "You need to install new version to continue". ok. fine. just install the latest version. then done. but wtf, the installation always ended up fail. and owh, it has this: "Woud you like to visit our site to get the version manually?". and fuck. I can't even access the site/ what the fuck with MSN anyway??

2nd, my biggest fuck-up incident. I got Mozilla Firefox (owh wee, it's better than Internet Explorer). yeah rite. I'm gonna bite my tongue for it. as usual....Firefox will CRASHES when it 1st time being used. but then. here's the biggest fucked up thing: NOW IT WON'T DOWNLOAD ANYTHING FROM THE WEB!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd, God when this gonna end? some websites, like Facebook requires Java to makes things easier. ok. fine. again. just install it. but hey and guess what? It won't install at all. and the nicest thing is, this message will come out: "The server request time out". wtf.....is this kind or service you giving me? to a user??!!

4th, not excatly a big deal. flash. it took me several fucking times to install it to make them works. thanks god it'sworks now otherwise I'm surely gonna blew up....


Ok, I do hae the thought it could be my internet connection but I don't think so now coz I can browse websires very fast. I can posting stuffs easily. and I also read in the internet MANY PEOPLE BEEN COMPLAINING THE SAME STUFFS!

and plus, I went to try my another laptop (which the operating system is Windows XP) and guess whta? everything goes VERY smoothly

well my hubby went back to Desaria from Sarawak on the 2nd, and too bad I'm still at my uncle's house in Johor (supposedly). then, miracle happend. well, you can say so. my laptop MacBook suddenly the keyboard did nor working (what you called this 'miracle'? wait till you listen next). ok, where were I? owh my MacBook did not work. the keyboard. was it because of overheat? since I didn't off for almost a day or two? no....

so my father decided to leave my uncle's house early, in the morning of 2nd Jan *glowing eyes* I just can believe my luck out of the misfortune. we are heading back to KL! yeah it might be for official business, but I got something else in my mind after the official business done

we arrived KL around 5pm. we went to Apple Center at Low Yat. my god the prob is quite small. it settle within 10 mins. no. maybe 5 XDD
the official business done. now move to next "business"