The Daily Life of Emily

seriously I was frustrated that my fav Saint class char in Florensia was totally messed up by me. I immediately stop playing Florensia. I even stop chat with Bryan. Just like that.

I went to sleep......but can't..........

an hour already past. It's 4am. I woke up n post my frustration in my blog
I wonder whether Bryan still online or not? After all I just 'stormed out' like that earlier

I signed in to MSN, "appear offline"

yea he still online

I shift to "online"

he immediately talk to me


krootozoa
hey love
sorry for snapping at you earlier on >.<
nvm, just leave everything to me, i'll fix it, ok?

Emily
no it's ur fault
I never mad at u
juz hate myself sometimes

krootozoa
why?
you're doing a great job
seriously
playing a healer is not easy

Emily
I LOVE games a lot
but I had the fact is
I'm seriously not good in almost everything
I had a great superior complexcity towards u n Dean

krootozoa
its okay
nobody's perfect

Emily
yea I know it's stupid to feel upset about it
but I loves games so much
of course la I never talk about it coz it's so stupid
like, "ala, u feel ad coz u cannot play game good?"
but I loves games so much
n I juz wan to win
dats why dat day when we play Mario n I win big I WAS SOOOO HAPPY
dats why during Bowling games oso I took seriously
previously I dun mind much about winning
I juz play for fun
but now it's too much
it's like, can't I even win even for once??
but I oso dun wan people simply give chance to me coz they feel sympathy
I wan to win coz I can do it
nowadays I dun wan to play Minster Hunter with Dean coz I got this serious inferior complwxcity towards him
*complexcity
He's too good
I'm da one who introduce the game to him but now, he is more than me
of coz I felt proud of him but me.....
n oso I never let anyone noe the fact dat majority of my games dat I won
all in Easy mood only
I can't even passed Normal mood
too embrassed to admit as a gamer
only Survival Horror I can do that
n that's why I'm very proud of it

krootozoa
and therein lies your strong point
you cannot be good in everything
my char in flo right now?
lose to alot of fucking rich kids who buy cash items
and show off
but my cash items
cost me NOTHING
they bought it with real $$$
and this puts value into the item, since i didnt spend anything to obtain it
so.....
technically, i achieve more than them!
with you
its slightly different

Emily
but u n Dean so good
I mean, I can give u guys any game

krootozoa
no no no

Emily
n u guys can win the game with very good remarks

krootozoa
i cannot play any game
even if i can

Emily
ok, then give that credit to Dean

krootozoa
i'll be like some lifeless nerd
spend 24/7 in game
you know
there are some people in flo
i never see them offline?
even during the holidays they flo?
we have a LIFE
and they apparently dont

Emily
I noe, dats why I said it's kinda stupid to feel upset with this stuffs
but fo me, it's just upset that
I can't be good with something I really like or dedicated into it
I dun good inmaths n I dun care
coz I dun like it
dats why I never upset even if I almost fail
but, I juz love games so much

krootozoa
then you simply have not dedicated enough.
its not because you cant do it,
its because you didnt do enough
tell me,
who spent more time in florensia, you or me?

Emily
you

krootozoa
warriors orochi,

Emily
coz I have so many things to do
have to help my mum n Dean
dat one me

krootozoa
lets say you start playing the same time i do

Emily
I play n almost unlock everything
all chars

krootozoa
who spend more time? i think i will spend more time

Emily
but all can achive in Easy mood only T_T
recently try to win in Normal

krootozoa
because you were occupied by other things
and im not saying its wrong
no its not wrong to be occupied by other thing
so others win because they focus on that thing more than you do
if you stand back and look at the big picture
you'll see you focus more then them in other areas
making you the 'winner' in that aspect
so if you lose in one field
take a step back,
and look at the big picture
you'll find that everyone is the same
some just put more here,
others there,
now u come to the point
I reazlly dunno what I'm really good into
I did many things
but in the end, its still 1+5=6, 3+3=6

Emily
now u come to the point
I reazlly dunno what I'm really good into
I did many things
n yet nobody really recognized me
mayb dats why I dun really look forward on wat I'm really doin
I love photography
a lot

krootozoa
so... you're not the best in any one field,

Emily
yea..........

krootozoa
but you're good everywhere

Emily
n it's very upsetting

krootozoa
that is like, comparing 5Bs and 2As, 1C, 2Fs.
tell me
can you choose which one is better, right off the hook?
both are similar, right?

Emily
cannot said, u must know what's the subjects
it's like when I was in PMR
even though I only get 3As
my A r Scince, Maths n English
while some may have 5 As
but their As r Agama Islam, KH, Sejarah, Geography or Sastera
not much gonna help to get into A class if dats wat their target is
I mean core subjects r very important
dats wat my mum been telling me

krootozoa
so you're telling me that an a in geo/history is not as good as and a in science?
dats wat my mum been telling me
and a is an a
if you're good enough,
you'd excel whatever field you're in

Emily
dats why I can enter Science class compare to other 5 or 6 As students
coz most of them failed or didn't get good results in the core subjects

krootozoa
and i tell you, excelling in one field but being a total loser in another one,

Emily
yea true oso

krootozoa
is worse than being average

Emily
yea
n dats how I felt about myself
c, I excell in survival horror
but others, man, I'm suck!

krootozoa
no no no
ok....

krootozoa
hey hey, wait a second there

Emily
sometimes I like to say to myslef

krootozoa
you ae a good girlfriend by any standards. thats one

Emily
"you call urself a gamer girl? bullshit la"
T_T
hardworking, thats 2
thats why,
is that how u feel towards me?

krootozoa
mmmmnnnnnnnnn...........
games is the 'small picture'
you need to step back

Emily
yea kinda, dats why in high school I dun have a life
and look at your life
even people call me dat l....o....l......
...............................

krootozoa
now you have a life.
yea true oso.....
seriously, i'd take this vacation with my family than 1 whole week of nothing but florensia
thi is called balance
you cant have too much of anything
too much money = ba
*bad
too little = bad oso?!
average
this is balance
there are only few things, ver few,
that do not follow this rules
cigarettes, for example
drung? no, too much = bad, too little = bad, balance oso
*drugs

Emily
better dun at all for those stuffs
>.<
oso,, there's something else
something is both embrassed n upset to admit
before this I dun care much
but nowadays it's kinda important for a gamer to get infomation
even today I still dunno how to read blog or forum
suck man me
T_T
even Dean kmows how to read forum
=_="

krootozoa
so learn to
you know your weakness.

Emily
still learing
I never give up
I now juz need guidance
it's my fault oso dun wan to admit
when people ask me why dun i juz read blog when I ask them to find some infomation
I simply said "Lazy" instead of admit my weakness
my Ego sometimes VERY troublesome!
I hate my ego oso
sometimes I dun wan to admit my fault
sometimes even when I wan to say sorry after an arguement which my opponent is correct
I felt so heavy
maybe dats why I dun like to involve in arguement
n mayb dats why i dun like to stand up or speak up
If I made mistake
it's my Ego is too haevy to take it
=_=""
I never said this thing b4
been keeping to mysle for 20 years ady

krootozoa
hey, its ok
slowly get rid of it

Emily
..................................
ok
I'm still trying
sometimes I oso felt sad how I treat Dean
I loves him
but sometimes my ego n inferior complexcity
eneded up me argue with him or shout to him or a himngry to
sometimes I fell terrible sad when I think of it again

krootozoa
think of it as this
your bro is good at this,
you at that
personally,
i never think that my sis is better than me
nor the other way round
but I can't felt like that
seriously Dean is very good
almost in eveything
he excels in silat
while my time I never had the chance into karate do
again, you're looking at the small picture,
my parents keeps saying no to me
in this case,
mcm2 reason they gave to me
this achievements
sometimes I do felt angry to them about that

krootozoa
you think he's flawless?
think carefully
and you'l find out no one is perfect
well, he got some that I know
observe

Emily
come to think again my acadamic far better than him
n so my cocurikulum
*so typo

krootozoa
and there are also flaws that you will NEVER EVER reveal to anyone, right? not even me?
so he has such flaws as well,
kept to himself
never shown to the world
how do i know this?
its because we are humans.
as much as we strive to be LIKE god,
forgiving,
blameless, guiltless,
we will never acheive such perfections,
if not, then god is no longer god!

Emily
yea true oso
I been keeping aall these for the past 20 years
not even my mum knows this
mayb dats why it's too heavy for me
like I said earlier
it's too ridiculus or stupid to disscuss it
even to Ash
so I just keep it to myself
seriously I dun wanna talk about this to u
its ok
enough la u keep hearing me upset
but since u suddenly talk about it
terlepas lak
mayb later u think
this girl asyik sedih aje
I cannot do that to Ash
coz I must be strong to her
coz she needs me
if I'm weak, who will she turn into
I cannot

krootozoa
well, now that im here
you can always count on me

Emily
mmmnnnn....mayb dats why I talk to u about this
the only person dat I felt I can turn into

krootozoa
im more than willing help

Emily
would u believe me if I told u that I actually have no confidence to myself
before I meet you?
n I actually got n still got Stage Fright?

krootozoa
i guess i can believe tat

Emily
why?

krootozoa
you were such a vurnerably young lady when i first met you
naive, innocent
this isnt exactly a surprise.
vurnerable? naive? innocent?
explain please
you really like just come out of your cage
dun know many things
didnt experience much

Emily
before u came, some of my friends, even Ash complain (not really complain) that I loves to flirt
n all I can say, I juz love to flirt
but recently at Ash's place
I finally admit why I become like that

krootozoa
why?

Emily
remember I told u when I was 10 those people told me that I will never find love
before this I was confident I can get one
I wan to get married n have children n lives happily with them
after their words I was terribly shattered
that's is, until I was 12
when several boys shows interest
then I was like
"WTF?!! I cam't let them win!"
so I start to flirt to prove to them that I can make guys likes me
everytime I suceed to get their attention, I know I win
I juz smiled to myself
but then, I dun expect them to really like me
I felt so insecure about love
coz they oso never do anything but than juz flirting back
after several inceidents previous sem b4 u came
I totally lost confident in live
*love
so I decided to step back
dun wan to flirt anymore
nor trying to find love
I really give up ady, really, really give up ady
BUT then
omg, u came
I never realkly expected of that
mayb that's why I cherish u a lot

krootozoa
^.^

Emily
^^
dats why I tell Ash
*dats what I told Ash
coz we were talking about not having confident in Love
I used not having confident in Love
but now
well, u noe la how I felt
yeah

krootozoa
i seriously hope you feel better alread
*already

Emily
a lot

krootozoa
just remember, you have your own strengths

Emily
at least I'm not crying anymore
man, I'm very sensitive am I?
I know I can breakdown if I kept something for too long
its a part of you that i've come to accept, and cherish ^^
mayb this is why I oso dun like to get involve with people or society
even though I want it so badly sometimes
^^
thank you for that
sometimes I do envy several people
always have many people around them
you have many people around you
or you haven't realised?
yea, but serously within me it's still empty
the only people that fills me is u
n Ash
n now I got Tina
whom I highly cheerish
I guess I'm like my mum
have many people around her
n yet only some fills her
but I like what she siad to me or to others
"Havin only 1 or 2 people that u can really n truly call friends"
"is better than having many but none of them are worthy to call friends"
this is what happening to me
from child to now

krootozoa
yeah, ture
*true

Emily
but I do feel lonely many times
I used with it very much at high school
but since I came limkokwing
I felt so empty, lonely n upset
only then I starting to realised how lonely I'am
n how much I was lifeless b4

krootozoa
i see...

Emily
I dun really get along with people actually
coz almost all the time I cannot b myself
I have to pause for a momet b4 say anything
I have to pause for a moment b4 I can do something
I have to pause for a moment b4 I can help some one
except
U, Ash n Tina
n I'm so happy ady
u guys accepct me for what I'am
I can juz simply do or talk
of what I feel
without worrying much
or perhaps
well
no worries at all

krootozoa
same to you

Emily
same tovme?
*same to me?
yes
when im with you
i dont really watch my behaviour,
since i know you fully accept it
my curiously long gaming hours,
flu problem
forgetfulness
and the occassional insensitivity on my part
you just brush them awaylike it didnt matter a bit

Emily
"i dont really watch my behaviour"
for that moment I really wanna laugh

krootozoa
o.o

Emily
but had to hold on if not I might wake up everyone in the house
no, the whole flat!
no dun get me wrong
it's juz, I didn't expect u gonna say that
so straightforward lol
my 1st "lol" word since the conversation start
congrats to u!

krootozoa
^^

Emily
those sentence, remind u of something?

krootozoa
....not really...

Emily
hehehehe
there's one time u ask me reagarding our game project, I reply to u, "I dunno, u r the leader"
n u reply me
"Those comment can goes to "What the Fuck? I'am the Leader?!"
"hey it's my 1st What the Fuck word I use today, congrats to you!"

krootozoa
1st wtf of the day

Emily
yea
I was at Sunway
n we were outside the building, looking at Sunway Lagoon theme park
I was laughing out loud n everyone was wondering dat time

krootozoa
:P

Emily
haa.....feel a lot better ady
u wanna go sleeo ady?

krootozoa
in a bit
i sleepy oso :P

Emily
sorry la keepu awake
no la

krootozoa
i mmg awake pon :P

Emily
lega dgr
I juz can't sleep earlier

krootozoa
i see

Emily
then I decided to login n write down my frustration in my blog
online for a while as "Appear Offline" to c u wheather u awake or not
i see...
only in a minute I put mysel online
wanna c u gonna say something or not
n u immdiately talk to me
did u noe how happy I was that time?

krootozoa
er...
i missed you alot, you see..
so i figured...

Emily
I'm happy to know
how much u cared for me
n how much u seems to understand
n tahan on my sometimes 'irritating' behaviour

krootozoa
^^


I felt a lot better. A lot. I had let go everything.
Thank god he's always there when I need him the most.......