The Daily Life of Emily

there was a little boy
who always being bully
soon he become a lost child
wondering alone in pain
he no longer understand what life is for

then came in angel
the angel had fallen for the boy
and the boy also fall for the angel

they were then together
they were happy
they were really in love

the angel loved the boy so much that she wish to help the boy
but
despite all the angel efforts
despite all the help the angel try to give to the boy
the boy remain lost
the angel is broken with her failure to help the boy
seeing the boy is beyond saving
the angel then leaves the boy
heart-broken

and the boy, remain lost
and alone again

the boy hope one day the angel would come back to him
but the angel hoping he will finally go out from being lost
and come forward to her

this story had been kept for long because this girl doesn't want empathy from anyone. she did not want people to be friends with her because she is a pitiful person or because they pity on her. she wants real friends. so she kept her painful history only with her. taking all the pain to herself. never ever shared with anyone. but now, the girl going to voice them out


dated 20 years ago, a baby girl to a young couple. the girl grew up in a quite comfortable family, with a strict, but loving, caring and understand parents. the girl is happy


17 years ago, in Klang, Selangor, the girl begin to realize her life is isolated, since young she didn't have friends to play with it, her neighbors all have tall, brick, walls. and there's one neighbor whom have a nasty dog that would bark to her whenever she get close to play with
then she found companion on cats and teddy bears and dolls (which would be her obsession in later life)


16 years ago, in Sungai Udang, Melaka, she finally sent to kindergarten, she is happy, but also confuse, to find herself among many, unknown people. the people look her differently, as she is, 1 year younger to any of them. they isolated her. she is alone. and the food there is terrible!
during Ramadhan, where teachers would ask who is fasting so they will no need to eat during recess, the girl, wanting to avoid the horrible foods, lie that she is fasting
during recess, the girl n other who are fasting, went outside while others eat. the girl went to sit alone, while others start to play. they not even bother to ask her to play along. she just watch them. waiting to be ask to join. in the end, she played with cats
then there was a boy come in. he is from Brunei. they become good friends, until, the boy start to abuse n bullies her. she keep crying. her long hair always being pulled. her crayon always been taken away. her nice, new coloring book will be "graffiti" by him or his gang
she cries to her father, whom told her to fight back. he teaches her to punch
the next day, as they return home, she finally punch him to the face, right in front of her mother and his mother, whom been conversation with each other earlier
the mother is terrified with what she had saw. the girl just said that she don't want to be bullied again
she then just walk back home alone. after that, nobody dares to pick on her, nor being friend with her. she is lonely. very lonely. bit she still have cats as friends. she is ok with it

13 years ago, in Jitra, Kedah, she went to school. there she develops a painful crush on a boy same age with her. when he found out, after she confessed, not only he turned her down, he even begin to be nasty to her. taking advantage on her over the situation where she found it embarrassed after being rejected

she sits at the edge of her class, with another 2 girls next to her, to the exit. whenever she had to go out to go to her teacher or toilet, the middle girl will ask her money for payment, or get pinch in order to past. not wanting both, she slips under the table all the time, which would result her knee become very black for that even today it cannot be washed off
during the same period, her hair is getting shorter. people being cutting her hair from the back. there's one time they even cut the rubber, costing her long hair to loose n everyone would run away from her, either mockingly calling her "Hantu" or "Pontianak"
she make friends. but during recess, she will went venture the school alone. no one ever bother to ask her to join her for lunch. she just wonders among her friends, whom almost all of them have their own groups

and then begin to go library and entertain herself with reading. even the librarian were impressed with her, often reading high-level books for a 7-years-old girl. the girl is fascinated with a series of encyclopedia, but couldn't finish in a day and the book is cannot be borrowed. she secretly plead to the librarian teacher to let her borrow them. impressed, the librarian teacher permitted her to them but she must keep secret about it
she then begin to be close with a group of Indians students, but found their interest are nonsense but when she tries to bring a educational topic, the group starting to become boring. realizing she could bring the boring mood into the group that used to be cheerful, she voluntarily leaves

after wondering around, she finally make friends with 2 outcast, they finally become close, until one of them have to return to Pakistan (she is mixed Malaysian & Pakistan)
then a boy making a fuss in the class, picking on her. remembering her painful past. she involved in the fight. she smashed a chair to the boy. the boy cry, and went to get his sister. his sister arrived, angry at me, the girl didn't cry, but look at her with angry face.
they eventually leaves
then there's also a nasty boy would yell at her, called her "gemuk", "hodoh" or "hitam". but in front of his parents, the boy act like an angel. the girl is pissed off

not long after that, a stray cat wonders at her house. having fond of cats, the girl play with the cat. the cat eventually attached to her. it only listen to her. the cat kill mouses. the mother is happy. the cat would go out to see her go to school and the cat also will be the 1st to come out to greet her when she comes home. the girl is happy
her new neighbor then have a nasty dogs, that would attract other wild dogs around the area. the dog would bark to the girl. it even try to bite her. but her cat always there to protect her
but the girl's health suddenly go down. they found out the cat's fur is making her condition worst. but the girl, having the cat as pet n only friend, refuse to throw the cat away. however, her parents did, but the cat managed to return, much to the girl delight, knowing they are meant for each other. again, he parents did again, and this time, out of the girl's knowledge. when the cat didn't return for several days, the girl begin to cry. she only realized the truth in 7 years later.....


10 years ago, in Gerik, Perak, she didn't like her new place. she wants to be in Jitra. after 2 years struggle to get into 1st class, n when she finally could taste to be in the prestigious 1st class in Jitra, she had to move somewhere else. the girl is bitter about it
people in the new school are friendly......at 1st.....her 1st friend is in fact the daughter of the school headmaster
however, when she begin to excels in studies, people begin isolated her. when she cannot read Jawi properly, nobody help her. they laughed to her instead......the girl is terribly upset.....
but 1 day, she impressed everyone with her Jawi reading n writing skill. the girl did not wish to be laugh again

then the girl be friend with another outcast friend. but no long. she moved out. the girl is alone again. then the girl's health went down again. the dusty class cause her to ill. her classmates find it irritate when the teachers excused her from cleaning the class. they eventually make her do all courses in the classes in every week. if the girl complain to anyone, they would beat her. the girl have to wear handkerchief in the class. the girl always in pain. she would always sneeze. when she sat between 2 girls, they found her terribly annoying with the sneezing n flu, despite the girl using handkerchief. the girl would develop of phobia sitting in between n would choose sit at corners after that. the girl also begin to have a habit saying "sorry" every time she sneezes, or accidentally bump into any of them in other to ask them to forgive her. she carries this habits even today, much to many people wonders

she then moved to sit nect to a big girl, who without any reason would yelled at her and call her with terrible names like "pig", "muka hodoh" or "bodoh" when she ask something
the girl is in deep stress. she want to talk about it to her parents but that time her parents are busy; her father busy with works and her mother busy with an association that she got involved it, plus, the parents are very happy with their life in Gerik. upon hearing that, the girl keep quiet

she then happily makes friends with several people, only to learn later that they used her innocent and wealth as advantage. deeply hurt, she left them and eventually begin to make fool of herself so that people would pay attention to her

with her parents busy with their stuffs, the girl's studies drastically went down. she did not have any A this time. her friend "teaches" her to cheat in report card; liquid the results and write down good mark. her mother found out about and the girl is in big trouble

during the assembly, everyone lined up with a pair, and again, the girl is without her pair. she stands at the back, slightly reacting upon the assembly because her leg is hurt. when they went back to class, the girl stop at a class to retrive her chess back. when she return to the class, her class teacher is mad that someone been absent from the assembly earlier. the whole class pointing at the girl. confused the girl try to explain everything, but even those who actually behind her denied she is being there and the proof she is not in the assembly is the fact she entered the class late
the teacher punished her; stating truth is out from majority, not from 1 person. anger with the betrayal, she made promised in front of the class that she is innocent and during Judgement Day everyone will need to find her and ask her for forgiveness because she is not going to forgive them anymore. everyone laughed instead

during this time people would go around calling her big, fat ("macam gajah!"), black, ugly (black sheep), and hopeless in love. remembering her past crush incident. the girl is in pain n would often crying whenever see roses. she loves roses, but she don't feel anyone would ever gave her one
but in the end, remembering her betrayal, she decided not to loose anyone, she would find love, she would begin to flirting around. every time boys react, she wins; this big, fat, black and ugly girl can even "seduce" man into her

then one day, a fragile classmate of her approached her, stating, in her sad voice, that she had always wanted to be friends with her but couldn't, as others would not allowed her to. the girl was shocked. she is then determined, who ever her friends is (if she ever can get one), will be free to friend with anyone they want, regardless the person is her enemy or she hate that person. she will not control anyone's life

during almost end of year, the class is divided into 3 groups to perform for "Hari Anugerah". the girl is being kicked out from her group without any explanation than we don't need you
teachers eventually ask the girl n her other 2 friends that did not have their group to become judges. her former group perform terribly n the girl gave them less point
her former group members would go around n accused her taking revenge on them by giving them less point despite the girl keep stating their performance is indeed terrible and she stays her ground on it, being a bitter person by now

being a bitter person by now, she by now knows how to ignore other people teasing or jokes, making her unable to be good in reply teasing and jokes, making her reply in a physical form, which she begin to realize annoyed many and again she with withdrawn herself to involve in any, making her a boring person


8 years ago, in Malim Nawar, Perak, the girl moved into another isolated area, despite she wants to move to Ipoh, Perak's main capital. however, in this small town, she suddenly found herself with kind people. she finally starting to have friends. though some did turn quite nasty, but when she learns of their painful background, she forgives them

one day, her naughty classmate pushes her to a boy and runs away and said out loud "the new girl likes you! hahaha neardy!"
for the 1st time they notice each other despite they being classmates for almost a month, they both excel in arts, but the girl always impressed with the boy's arts
they appears to have crush on each other but non of them ever confessed, and even today, the girl still wonder whether the boy really like her or she just being dreaming to herself

she also receives several secret admire letters, but even today she couldn't figure out from whom, and based on her past experiences, she is also not sure weather they are genuine or another nasty people making fun of her. she just dunno.......

she is finally be able to feel happy in her life. she not exactly excel in her studies but she proves to be good in arts, poetry, she is good as a prefect, as a counselor (as she used her past experiences as guidance), she even gain respect even from the school bullies and gangster and they even listen to her when other couldn't do it. her past experience teaches her to deal with almost everyone. and to her luck, it appears nobody jealous of her this time

but the only thing she is slightly unlucky, she always gets into a lousy teams in any activities just to ended up losing. she never taste anything called victory. but it was not big deal xp

she always spend her time at the library whenever she is off duty. they she meet a boy, whom they eventually sharing a mutual liking. the boy is very kind and hardworking. he works hard to become as good as the girl but no matter how hard he tries, he could never be near the girl (the girl always in A class n he always in E class)
although the girl like his hard-working n sincere attitude, the girl realized they cannot be together, their world just different apart. the boy might be ok right now but the girl realized when they grew up, the boy would be jealous with the girl being better than him in term of study and life. the girl slowly walk away......and tell the boy not to give up and find another girl better than her.......

(NOTE: the boy still remain hardworking but like the girl had vision many years earlier, the boy did not continue study after SPM n even today he still did not have job, while the girl is comfortable doing her degree in a university)


4 years ago, in Bandar Tasik Puteri, Selangor. the girl being bitter again. after 3 years working hard to get herself into "Kelas Sastera" at 16, she found her new school did not have that class! what a luck comes into the girls head. she eventually took financial class and how much she hate it. the girl is aloof n not sociable. the Chinese students there are completely lazy and ill-mannered, totally opposite with the Chinese people she knew back in Malim Nawar. most of her classmates only like to talk about gossips, celebrities and talking behind people's back. they girl don't like any. she likes to read educational stuffs

then she unexpectedly make friend with the most quiet person in the class. apparently she is an outcast. she also have a traumatic experience with people. they eventually become good friends, even today, as they believe only they understand each other

she also finally tastes victory as she always in good team in any activities. she even earned herself several medals in sports, something she never thought she could achieve before

the girl would spend her time at library as the food there are terrible. the librarian teacher is impressed with her and for the next 2 years she would urge to become a librarian, and she would keep declining, refusing to busy herself with librarian works when she have SPM to worry about.

the girl's health go down again (probably because of stress of SPM). she would be found fainted in the class or in a school. most of her classmates think she is carrying diseases n refuse to associate with her much. but she surprisingly found the science class students are very friendly towards her n they even thinks her as their classmates despite she was with them only for the 1st 2 days when she arrived there


2 years ago, after out of confusion, the girl, now a big girl, enroll into LimKokWing University. the girl try to be alone as usual but when she keeps seeing people always in a group, she suddenly, for the 1st time in her life, become jealous and finally really realized all this while she had been alone. the sudden shock took the toll of her mentally

but she is also found herself with people that are MORE opening, MORE friendlier, MORE kinder, MORE understanding. and despite she also often involved in argument due to her lack of social understanding or lack of social behavior, as she haven't been into such crowded people around her, she, the once little girl, finally found herself happiness and friends......

but her lack of social understanding and social behavior often cause her troubles. she would often said wrong things. she would often do wrong things. she would often do reckless things, she would do things that embarrassed her. many things she did sincerely only to be look by others as her scheme or just a dramatic acting by her......

she likes 2 guys earlier, but both she being rejected, one because she is not beautiful and another is because of her behavior is being misunderstood. she keeps crying, remembering the past, with the fact, that, they may have been true, she is hopeless in love after all......

sometimes she felt embarrassed with herself, and to the people around her. but she never try to run away, she hold everything inside and go through her day because she do realized, there's a lot she needs to learn, she is learning, and still do


13th August 2008, when the girl entered a class, she saw a boy, and almost immediately, she have a crush on him. the girl is excited that the boy is from Sarawak as she always wanted a Sarawakian and a Chinese boy (or at least a Chinese looking boy)
she make sure he is single so that she can flirt around n dreaming of him (originally is for innocent purpose and just to filled up her empty love life)
but by chance, the boy continue to impress her, and they can easily have time together as they live at a same place, and the boy even react sometimes to her, the girl finally found herself to have actually really fall in love with the boy........she, at 1st, refuse to admit the feelings, as she enjoys her friendship with him, not wanting her friendships ruins over her confessions like the previous 2

but eventually she admit her feelings before holiday, not wanting her 3 months of holiday full of wonders if he really loves her too, or she been dreaming alone all this while. even if he says no, she is preparing for it, after all, she had always been "hopeless" in love
knowing the answer now will make her holiday at ease; if he likes her, she then can happily to live the holiday to know she is been loved, but if he declined, she can spend holiday dreaming of him only, without needing to wonder he likes her or not, the dreams that she would keep only to herself, only to herself, as usual.......

unexpectedly, he also likes her. all this while she hardly believe in any story 2 person in love. she only knows love from 1 side. like her always been. she likes other a boy but the boy never likes her. for the 1st time, she actually found herself in a love from both sides

they begin to be a happy couple. the girl is very happy. for once in her life she felt sheltered. for once she wants to be sheltered. for once she finally want to be pitied. for once she wants to cry to someone without feeling embarrassed. for once she finally felt a touch from a boy (she never touches any boy before, not even holding hand even the time of puppy love)

despite she is happy with the boy, the boy have made her life to the fullest. the girl suddenly realized religion matter. being blinded with love earlier, the girl had ignore the boy's warning. now religion matters begin to take the toll of her sanity. she begins to do reckless things often. she would often cause troubles. she would often do irritating stuffs; hurting both her friends the boy she dearly love alike, physically n mentally. she would often ill

the girl did want to loose the boy. the boy is everything to her. but she also realized she could not live in pain and troubled mind. she could gone insane if continue to. something must be done......

1st of July 2009. the girl finally ask to break-up. the girl, been crying non-stop for the past one month thinking of this matter, bitterly stating not to continue the relationship further so that no on ever get hurt further in future. however, it appears quite too late for each of them; they are madly in love with each other

they girl try many things to convince the boy over the religion matter, hoping to save their relationship. but when the girl failed to do so. she is upset not having enough patient, not good enough to help the boy. she is no longer wish to cry anymore. she refuse to get hurt anymore

the boy thinks she is being selfish, they boy said she did not love as much as he does......owh these words......are like thorn of roses.......from the very roses that she loved dearly......

selfish......did not loves him as much as he does......but if one day day, if ever one day he realized everything that she had done, that sound selfish to him.......is actually an act that of my pure love to him.......he would have realized if she did not love him much.....she would have ignore him.......

she finally to bid farewell to everything. she did not hate him. she cherish every moments she had with him. she hate crying. to her crying is sign of weakness. but now she realized, crying is also a way to released frustration and sadness, now she would let herself cry

after all, she is hopeless in love, what do you expect?

she felt empty and alone, but not weak, but getting strong instead

being with the boy had opened her up in many things. she had learn a lot. the boy also makes she realized more in life than the past. she must look forward

so she slowly take a step forward to an unknown future........


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and these words keep coming to my head.....selfish......she did not loves him as much as he does......but if one day day, if ever one day he realized everything that she had done, that sound selfish to him.......is actually an act that of her pure love to him.......he would have realized if she did not love him much.....she would have ignore him.......she would let them love each other and enjoy each other while on Earth and he dies in Hell while she's alone ascends to Heaven.........no she don't wants that! she wants they together go to Heaven.....
she wants him to go to Heaven.......she wants him to be safe and happily in Heaven.....after all.....he also went through a lot.....
He's been looking for answers.......she tries to help him to find answers......but since he couldn't accept any.....the girl sadly have to realized she had failed to help the very man she ever loved.......and that's more painful than the break-up.......even if they remain together......the thought of it will surely took her sanity soon.........

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so she walks away.......hoping by this, as friends, the pain is less, but that doesn't meant she is stop helping him, but this time, she could go with less pain and thought......

even after all these sufferings, she never questions God. God knows the best and everything God did and his wisdom are great, we will never know God's wisdom, if we does, we might as well become God our self

Her life may sounded like full of pain and sufferings, but thanks to this, she's getting stronger, she's getting mature. she can help other people. her failures is the sources of her in helping others

thanks to that boy, she is know more into religion. when she looks back, who knows, that the boy might had been sent by God to give her a great test, to open herself into religion more. if she had been with another boy with same religion, she might have took her religion for granted. who knows, in these 2 or 3 years, she might be wearing hijab already?

I couldn't do much..........
I'm helpless already.........

I LOVE him, owh yes I do, very much..........
but I couldn't do anything already..........
he thinks I'm selfish over this..........
he thinks I don't love him enough..........
he keeps thinks that I'm wrong, as usual......
but if he ever realised it,
that everything I've done is all out of my love to him,
will he actually knees down n crying?
knowing that I LOVE him with all my heart?
that my love to him is pure and sincere?
knowing that I love him more than enough?
everything I've been trying is for his sake?
so is it over?

this is the greatest test that I've been.........and I guess I won.......
I might loose him, I might loose the man that I love, but I will not loose my faith, my faith shall remain with me......

because LOVE to human may fade, people may die, people may divorce, people may married again, but LOVE to GOD will never fade, never ever.......

fair enough......so now.....what's the point of this struggle n fight?
should I still remain with him or just walk away?

for this past few weeks, I cannot help but to see many things happened; from my own problems in my relationship, to my friend's trouble in her family, my own parents marriage problems up to my neighbors
so I've been wondering lately, is there really these so-called true love? is there really a true, happy marriage? where the couple just understand each other and did not fight, did not irritate or annoying each other? is commitment worth when your partner seems to take you for granted?

all these things keep pondering in my mind.....now I can't help but to start become afraid to have a relationship. I'm afraid to get married. I'm so afraid to have commitment to someone

I just so confuse, I'm so scared, I don't wanna be alone, but if these things keeps happening, I might as well be alone

GOD, help me.........

Even though I can be quite forgivable, but once I hurt, the scar will remain there, either it will gone after quite a long period, or remains there forever. Once I hurt, I will never been the same again. Never ever.

it has been very very hard for me. for many years I've been alone n now, suddenly, I realized I'm in a group of people.....I dunno...I simply can't catch up with them.....
I had been enjoy being alone. I enjoy doing things by my own. Don't trouble people. Don't trouble myself. Do not have any tight with anyone. I'm for me, for myself. I'm being selfish and nobody get disturb with it. I don't feel pain. I don't feel sorrow. I only have myself.

but against the odd, when I come to collage, how much I wish to be alone, I found myself in deep pain when seeing almost everyone with group of friends. How painful it was. How bleeding my hear was.

and against the odd, I found myself into a group of people. My friends. Whom I'm deeply love them. Whom are really cared for me.

I don't really believe in love. I've been hurt non-stop previously. Though I didn't put much hope or high hopes, I want to be loved, I want to be with someone.
and against the odd, I found myself in love with someone, whom, who also repays my love.

but I soon face troubles. I didn't been a good friend with them...I dunno how to carry myself, I dunno when to speak, I'm not mature, even though I really wish I'am. How ironic.....

furthermore, world is so cruel...I had to wear a mask all the time. I could not voice my desires. I'm only following others. As long I follow theirs', I will be fine....but once I voiced my desires, they may find I'm been very selfish...

my friends could think of that

people around me always think like that

my very own family think like that

even the one I loved the most, the one I felt I only had right now, think like that....


called me selfish...haven't they realized what I ask is very little compare to what I had given to them.Didn't they realized I had sacrificed a lot for them?
What did I do wrong? Maybe it's my attitudes. I never used to be surround with many people. I just dunno how to carry myself. Please forgive me. Can't u?

some even think I'm a bitch. I'm a whore...what did I do for them to think like that? I simply dunno...I never mind all these things. They never bothered me. But when 'someone' had also think like that, even say it, I already dunno...It's hurt, it's hurt....

that 'someone' even congrats me for become the '2nd special' person to hurt him...what about me? Does he wants me to say "Congratulations, you're just like others who only knows to hurt me"? Does he wants me to say "I had give given up on you"?

maybe I do had given up on him...I felt hopeless...I felt I've been wasting my time...my life...
and yet, I refuse to let him go. Am I being foolish? Or am I love him so much to let him go?

my only sanctuary I have right now had collapsed. I had lost my light. I had lost everything. No matter how hard I try, nobody understand me, nor I understand them...the world seems doesn't belongs to me, and I don't seems belongs to it also....

Who should I end up to in this world? I had no one right now...

the world may have accept me, but I still cannot accept the world. How unfortunate...

what's the worth in this life? who am I fighting for? Not to my family anymore. Not to my friends anymore. Not to even the one I loved the most...

I have no one. My heart felt so empty, So dark. So cold....I'm not sure whether my heart can open for any love if I lost everything I have right now...

I guess now, I only fight for myself. Carry on the meaningless life of mine, like before, no turning back to me, hoping someday when I'm gone, only then they realized my existence, finally they will appreciate me, and finally, I will be remembered....

Headache all over, never could had thought this semester gonna have overload assignments again, but luckily enough, all assignments seems to be quite interesting n fun to do


Yesterday was Sam's birthday. Though I been told they were planning to go KL, I was never thought I was invited as well (as far I concern, it was supposed to be guys day)

Bryan n I eventually joined them at last minute, Sam goes to Ash, who actually was 'force' by 'someone'
Also joining us today is Jason, Yat Weng and Kenvin

We begin by having lunch at Berjaya Times Square Sushi King. Then we walk around to some toy shops


While Jason looking for a Gundam model with Yat Weng, Sam n Bryan walking around with dicussing Monster Hunter stuffs, Ash n Kenvin walk together looking for some outfits n I.....well....I walk alone. Wandering at the Japanese Food Fair center. Got so many nice Japanese goodies......

Finally all of us meet up again n we decided to spend time at Starbucks till the movie start. While at Starbucks, Bryan Jason n Kenvin play Monster Hunter, Ash, Yat Weng n Sam spending time together, n me.....doing assignments.....lol....

Then we hit to movie. We watch Dragonball Evolution (l0l). The story kinda dissapointed, it's not that bad BUT it's not either that good. The movie also moves too fast (in my opinion) n the story doesn't follow the original manga at all

Finally we decided to dinner at KFC before go back. It's already 10.30 so we decided to take cab to go back. I take a ride we Bryan ( a compulsary X3), Kenvin n Jason WHILE Ash with Sam n Yat Weng

Well overall the day just like normal but Bryan n I are VERY tired, not to mention that Yat Weng, Ash n I are also not so well for the whole day; Yat Weng is having terrible headache since morning, Ash keeps losing balance while walking n my chest is painful throughout the day...

I sleep quite early.......lol.......

I was browsing over some sexy male models photo then something come into my head; instead of looking n keeping other male models photos, why not just have mine instead?
wow, n I can't believe Bryan agreed to do this sexy model photoshot

After the incident I really lost all my strength n mood for the whole day. I went back home early. I dunno why but this time I keep crying. I always can stop crying when there's people's around, but this time I can't
Tina come over to talk about her great day with Daniel. However, I seems to spoil her great day by crying non-stop. Bryan came back but I told him to go out coz Tina n I are having 'Girl Talk'. What a lie. I continue crying

Tina then read my blog n become angry with Bryan 'had done' with me n planned to advise Bryan. Then Yat sms me, asking us to go Yumcha. I told Tina I dun wanna go n told Tina to just go with Bryan. I even asked her to tell Bryan that I wanna be alone for tonight for myself. I packed Bryan's laptop n Maxis n gave to Tina....I just can't go see him for now....

Half way however, I become so confused...I wanna be alone and yet, I wanna have someone with me...especially him...

I called Tina n told her that. I can hear a surrounding sound. I bet Tina let Bryan hear what I just said....Then Tina at my door n asked me to open the door. But instead going inside, she told me to go inside first. I got a feeling Bryan is at the back of the door

Then Bryan entered my room but I pretend I didn't know n thought it was Tina. Tina has left my house. Bryan hugged me n apologies. I cried. He wants me to tell me what's in my head but I refused n threaten will hit him if he force me

After awhile I slowly talk. I even told him of I had followed my heart instead of my rationale, I would have dumped him. Bryan suddenly crying...really crying...

For a moment I felt so bad. Bryan said that he don't want to lose me n he will never let go of me no matter what happened. I guess that's why he is crying; to know that he almost lose me...

Bryan slept early n breathing hard. There's must be a lot of things in his mind right now...

I just hope things will get better for both of us after this

Lately, these things troubles me a lot. I would never thought "Girl's Complexity" can be so troublesome and annoying

I don't want to be like most "fussy/typical type" gf do to their bf; wanting their bf to b with them 24/7. That is why I always let Bryan have his own time. I always let him play his game n don't fuss about it
But lately I dunno, it is me starting to become mengada-ngada or he is the one who seems to be onto his PSP too much?


Seriously I don't mind he play games, I never complain when last time he keep playing DOTA or other online games, he deserves his time oso
BUT lately I dunno la, I felt like this time he's too much into it, I want my time too n I felt like my time only juz a while at night before we go back to our unit and go to sleep......

Even nowadays I hardly feel special even though I know I am indeed special to him.....

As for today, I simply wear a nice outfit that he likes it very much after I showed to him 3 days ago just to feel special to him today. Yea he did react when he saw me today, but after that, nothing. He simply onto his PSP. Even Rob noticed it n comment about it. It happens when he walked past the Games Lab n he didn't wave me this time, instead, he just play his PSP, simply walks by. Rob mentioned that I had make a very bad move by recommend him PSP. He is right. Damn right
But in order to make thing sounds nice, I just smiled n said that we been playing PSP together every night (half true actually)
Rob become jealous instead of pitying me (but the truth is, I am very upset)

It would be very selfish if I said he doesn't react to my outfit today. He does, once, and supposedly it's enough already. But, but why I felt it's like not enough?
I want more....I sound so selfish. A one reaction is supposed to be enough already

Then when we reach Desaria, he asked me to buy him drink (usually he is the one who bought them). I don't mind buy him drinks but this time he ask me to do so coz he wants to play his PSP with Kenvin, Yat n Sam
And again I sounded like a selfish typical type of gf. It's like I want him to be with me 24/7, or I now started to feel like that coz he been spending too much time on his PSP? I dunno la


NOTE
Maybe that's why some Gamer Guys hardly get themselves a gf. Yea they loves their gf but the way they try to show to their gf sometimes wrong or hard for a girl to accept
It's true that some gf can tolerate with it but if it occurs to often, even the girl will reach her limits one day
If the guy is unlucky, the girl will dump him. But if he lucky, (if the girl is rational thinker) the girl will continue to be patient n stay with the guy

ADVISE for GAMER GUYS from the Point of view of a Girl
For guys, yea u guys deserves to have your time to play game n ur gf must tolerate with it n can't control your life
However, u must also have n give your time to the girl. The girl also deserves her time to be with you

My Rationale
If I really followed my emotions 100%, I would have dumped Bryan. But my rationale tells me that's the most stupid and silly thing to do!
Bryan is the best thing in my life. He is the best of all. He always make me smile. He always make me laugh. He always make me happy
I can't simply dump him over this silly matters. Some more that's what he is. I know it n I'm da one who should have learn to tolerate it
My god, so mixture my emotions

And I wish, wish so badly want someone to tell this to Bryan.....

"X da bf sedih, ada bf pon sedih. Haiz" ==" - sound so selfish

They are few things I did n I regret over it n one of them that I maybe considered I regret the most in my life now is recommend him a PSP

Lately he seems too into PSP; even when I went to toilet in few minutes he already grab his PSP, but I cannot say anything, that's his right...he deserves to do what he wants....after all, I went toilet quite sometimes (5 mins? wtf)
Then even when he went banzai oso he play PSP!

But then this morning, even after taking bath, still in towels, he play PSP while I had finish my preparation and prepare to go to campus.

Then as we waiting for the bus, with all the crowd n standing, he juz kept playing his PSP, not even once he look at me or even care about the crowd. My god, I know Kenvin, Yat n Sam also onto PSP but this time I think it's TOO much. Don't you think it already become some sort of obsession already??? Even his gf already been put aside!
To make the matter worse, he kept getting angry n cursing on the game. It's terribly annoying. I had completely lost my mood on the day

Despite today class supposed to be fun, Mr.Ivan, Digital Imaging, Photoshop stuffs, but I really had loose my mood n it's very obvious to everyone. I was so quiet, talk less, hardly smiling n even Rob commented that I look weak n my hair looks very down

On the way back I saw Bryan at the Games Lab, usually I will stop by at the Games Lab to see him before go back but this time I don't want to see him. I simply walks away. But earlier I saw Zaf telling something to Bryan n I can see Bryan's concern face n look outside to me. But still, I walked away

Then, after awhile I can her a rushing footsteps. I didn't turn. But somehow I know it's Bryan. Chasing me
And it's really him. I can see he is really concern on me. On my mood. I simply tells him that I am tired n sleepy. Despite it, he decided to accompany me to home

After awhile he did realized it has been his fault to my mood and he missed his evening class as he spent the whole day just to console me.....

Great.....I just made him missed his class......

I've been quite a demanding person (I guess) and being (too) sensitive really annoys me

It's upset me that despite I know their characteristic are like that or in other word that's what they are, I still fuss over about it.....

I keep making fuss, upset (merajuk) and angry over them on small matters and felt like they often make me upset often despite I know the truth is completely opposite; they make me more happy than make me feel upset

My father for instance, he is very kind person n very loving. He always makes me happy. But sometimes he made me upset with his fussiness, his silly temper and sometimes his very dominant in wanting himself to be the right one
I already 20 years with him n by now I should have tolerate with it. My mum always angry with me for not being able to tolerate with my father's attitudes despite he shows it rarely. She's right....

And now Bryan, I often gets upset with him in small matters...Most of the stuffs are VERY silly to fuss about when come to think again.....

I hate myself sometimes.........

yea true I don't celebrate Valentine's Day but that day several things happens....
1st, I return to Desaria n finally can meet and be with Bryan again....

Today also I playing 'match-making' between my Japanese-Indonesian housemate Windy with my brother's best friend's older brother Hafiz

I already told Bryan that I don't celebrate Valentine n luckily I understand and respect me

After lunch at Secret Recipe, Windy ask me to take her to a candy shop n I took her to Famous Amos
At the Famous Amos, I saw a cute teddy bear keychain. But they doesn't sell it only, it sell with a candy and a flower candy. It's one of the Valentine's Day gift...
The price quite ok actually, but I don't want to "kinda waste" it on it....
Bryan noticed that n eventually bought it for me

I got a Valentine gift after all.....

Last night Bryam called me at 1.55am, juz to inform me hat my wishlist in Facebook Pet Society is 100% done ^_^;

Then afterwards we ended up 'talking craps' (I'm da one do da most talking) =_=""

Finally I decided to stop n tell him so. We were very awkward to say goodbye (especially me, I really dunno how to say goodbye)

After I put down my handphone, I saw te time is 3.00am!

=_="""" kecian la that gut when he needs to pay his handphone bill

Yesterday I MSN with Bryan at Cyber Cafe

Emily
The Fulffy teddy bear so nice
Can't help but to hug it all night long

krootozoa
glad to know you like it ^^

Emily
um, can u suggest a name for it

krootozoa
is it male or female


Emily
no idea.....you suggest it

krootozoa
Yuriko or Hideko if female

Emily
if male

krootozoa
if male ar....uh dunno XP

Emily
Yuriko then, sounds cuter


krootozoa
XD

Say Hello to Yuriko!

Jan 7th. Went to Low Yat n we promise to meet again at Famous Amos at noon

Morning earlier at rawang Komuter Station, bumped into an old friend, former classmate at high school Zana,n her bf Eyedan
Lol, we were planning to meet each other again n introduce our bfs on March in Sunway Pyramid. Guess I meet them 1st
It appears Eyedan recognized me 1st from afar n inform Zana (gush, i never thought my Friendser photo so popular Lol! he had seen my Friendster profile I guess)
zana so different today! She's much prettier n girly than last time I know her

Eyedan accompany Zana all the way from Subang to Rawang n now he's heading back to Subang. We travel together to KL Sentral
Eyedan feel asleep in the Komuter n I woke him up. We bid goodbye n head to our own destination

Finally I arrived at Low Yat n c Bryan again. Dean having a great time 'teasing' Bryan by making sime 'gay' moves which Bryan really cannot tolerate with
EPIC LOL!!

My mum let me, Bryan n dean 'wondering around' together. dean continue to 'tease' Bryan n we are having great time looking around at Action Figures shops

then we stop by at a nice teddy Bear shop. Bryan bought me a cute, fluffy teddy bear!
Dean appears to be clueless with the situation

Since this time dean come along, my mum let Bryan n I have our time together a little bit. We went to Starbucks n check our Facebook

Finally we have to go home *sniff*

But the teddy Bear so fluffy n cuddly! cannot help but to hug it all night long X3

Bryan's hp ran out of battery n he forgot his charger...I could not contact him but luckily that night he borrowed his aunt hp to contact me....After I went through a hard time to inform him about our meeting through Facebook before my laptop completely out....
We agreed to meet at Low Yat tomorrow at noon at the Famous Amos place

Today Jan 4th. We r supposed to leave our house to Low yat at 10 in the morning n supposed to arrive at low Yat by noon

However, my uncle arrived late, very late n we arrived at Low Yat at 3pm =_=""
Pity Bryan.....waiting for so long for 3 hours....

But we are happy to see each other again....we even holding hands infront of my mum

Luckily she didn't get angry or scold me afterwards, only teasing eme

save my day after all

2 days ago my laptop crashed....thanks to Dean who been playing Lineage II 'non-stop' a day before...

Then lately, I've been 'colliding' n arguing with my mum too often. I am very tired of her habit of giving excuses n always giving reasons n never admit that she is wrong n that she is always right..........

Then we decided to go to Low Yat to fix my laptop on Jan 4th. Yay, maybe Bryan n i can meet. Then my mum keep giving excuses that mayb we don't have time to or maybe we gonna go home early. grrr.....my mum keep making my life harder nowadays.....She still cannot accept me n Dean that we r grown up ady

Bt since I respect her a lot, I juz keep shut n swallow everything but lately i thnk it's too much ady..........

Dunno how long I can stand.....

seriously I was frustrated that my fav Saint class char in Florensia was totally messed up by me. I immediately stop playing Florensia. I even stop chat with Bryan. Just like that.

I went to sleep......but can't..........

an hour already past. It's 4am. I woke up n post my frustration in my blog
I wonder whether Bryan still online or not? After all I just 'stormed out' like that earlier

I signed in to MSN, "appear offline"

yea he still online

I shift to "online"

he immediately talk to me


krootozoa
hey love
sorry for snapping at you earlier on >.<
nvm, just leave everything to me, i'll fix it, ok?

Emily
no it's ur fault
I never mad at u
juz hate myself sometimes

krootozoa
why?
you're doing a great job
seriously
playing a healer is not easy

Emily
I LOVE games a lot
but I had the fact is
I'm seriously not good in almost everything
I had a great superior complexcity towards u n Dean

krootozoa
its okay
nobody's perfect

Emily
yea I know it's stupid to feel upset about it
but I loves games so much
of course la I never talk about it coz it's so stupid
like, "ala, u feel ad coz u cannot play game good?"
but I loves games so much
n I juz wan to win
dats why dat day when we play Mario n I win big I WAS SOOOO HAPPY
dats why during Bowling games oso I took seriously
previously I dun mind much about winning
I juz play for fun
but now it's too much
it's like, can't I even win even for once??
but I oso dun wan people simply give chance to me coz they feel sympathy
I wan to win coz I can do it
nowadays I dun wan to play Minster Hunter with Dean coz I got this serious inferior complwxcity towards him
*complexcity
He's too good
I'm da one who introduce the game to him but now, he is more than me
of coz I felt proud of him but me.....
n oso I never let anyone noe the fact dat majority of my games dat I won
all in Easy mood only
I can't even passed Normal mood
too embrassed to admit as a gamer
only Survival Horror I can do that
n that's why I'm very proud of it

krootozoa
and therein lies your strong point
you cannot be good in everything
my char in flo right now?
lose to alot of fucking rich kids who buy cash items
and show off
but my cash items
cost me NOTHING
they bought it with real $$$
and this puts value into the item, since i didnt spend anything to obtain it
so.....
technically, i achieve more than them!
with you
its slightly different

Emily
but u n Dean so good
I mean, I can give u guys any game

krootozoa
no no no

Emily
n u guys can win the game with very good remarks

krootozoa
i cannot play any game
even if i can

Emily
ok, then give that credit to Dean

krootozoa
i'll be like some lifeless nerd
spend 24/7 in game
you know
there are some people in flo
i never see them offline?
even during the holidays they flo?
we have a LIFE
and they apparently dont

Emily
I noe, dats why I said it's kinda stupid to feel upset with this stuffs
but fo me, it's just upset that
I can't be good with something I really like or dedicated into it
I dun good inmaths n I dun care
coz I dun like it
dats why I never upset even if I almost fail
but, I juz love games so much

krootozoa
then you simply have not dedicated enough.
its not because you cant do it,
its because you didnt do enough
tell me,
who spent more time in florensia, you or me?

Emily
you

krootozoa
warriors orochi,

Emily
coz I have so many things to do
have to help my mum n Dean
dat one me

krootozoa
lets say you start playing the same time i do

Emily
I play n almost unlock everything
all chars

krootozoa
who spend more time? i think i will spend more time

Emily
but all can achive in Easy mood only T_T
recently try to win in Normal

krootozoa
because you were occupied by other things
and im not saying its wrong
no its not wrong to be occupied by other thing
so others win because they focus on that thing more than you do
if you stand back and look at the big picture
you'll see you focus more then them in other areas
making you the 'winner' in that aspect
so if you lose in one field
take a step back,
and look at the big picture
you'll find that everyone is the same
some just put more here,
others there,
now u come to the point
I reazlly dunno what I'm really good into
I did many things
but in the end, its still 1+5=6, 3+3=6

Emily
now u come to the point
I reazlly dunno what I'm really good into
I did many things
n yet nobody really recognized me
mayb dats why I dun really look forward on wat I'm really doin
I love photography
a lot

krootozoa
so... you're not the best in any one field,

Emily
yea..........

krootozoa
but you're good everywhere

Emily
n it's very upsetting

krootozoa
that is like, comparing 5Bs and 2As, 1C, 2Fs.
tell me
can you choose which one is better, right off the hook?
both are similar, right?

Emily
cannot said, u must know what's the subjects
it's like when I was in PMR
even though I only get 3As
my A r Scince, Maths n English
while some may have 5 As
but their As r Agama Islam, KH, Sejarah, Geography or Sastera
not much gonna help to get into A class if dats wat their target is
I mean core subjects r very important
dats wat my mum been telling me

krootozoa
so you're telling me that an a in geo/history is not as good as and a in science?
dats wat my mum been telling me
and a is an a
if you're good enough,
you'd excel whatever field you're in

Emily
dats why I can enter Science class compare to other 5 or 6 As students
coz most of them failed or didn't get good results in the core subjects

krootozoa
and i tell you, excelling in one field but being a total loser in another one,

Emily
yea true oso

krootozoa
is worse than being average

Emily
yea
n dats how I felt about myself
c, I excell in survival horror
but others, man, I'm suck!

krootozoa
no no no
ok....

krootozoa
hey hey, wait a second there

Emily
sometimes I like to say to myslef

krootozoa
you ae a good girlfriend by any standards. thats one

Emily
"you call urself a gamer girl? bullshit la"
T_T
hardworking, thats 2
thats why,
is that how u feel towards me?

krootozoa
mmmmnnnnnnnnn...........
games is the 'small picture'
you need to step back

Emily
yea kinda, dats why in high school I dun have a life
and look at your life
even people call me dat l....o....l......
...............................

krootozoa
now you have a life.
yea true oso.....
seriously, i'd take this vacation with my family than 1 whole week of nothing but florensia
thi is called balance
you cant have too much of anything
too much money = ba
*bad
too little = bad oso?!
average
this is balance
there are only few things, ver few,
that do not follow this rules
cigarettes, for example
drung? no, too much = bad, too little = bad, balance oso
*drugs

Emily
better dun at all for those stuffs
>.<
oso,, there's something else
something is both embrassed n upset to admit
before this I dun care much
but nowadays it's kinda important for a gamer to get infomation
even today I still dunno how to read blog or forum
suck man me
T_T
even Dean kmows how to read forum
=_="

krootozoa
so learn to
you know your weakness.

Emily
still learing
I never give up
I now juz need guidance
it's my fault oso dun wan to admit
when people ask me why dun i juz read blog when I ask them to find some infomation
I simply said "Lazy" instead of admit my weakness
my Ego sometimes VERY troublesome!
I hate my ego oso
sometimes I dun wan to admit my fault
sometimes even when I wan to say sorry after an arguement which my opponent is correct
I felt so heavy
maybe dats why I dun like to involve in arguement
n mayb dats why i dun like to stand up or speak up
If I made mistake
it's my Ego is too haevy to take it
=_=""
I never said this thing b4
been keeping to mysle for 20 years ady

krootozoa
hey, its ok
slowly get rid of it

Emily
..................................
ok
I'm still trying
sometimes I oso felt sad how I treat Dean
I loves him
but sometimes my ego n inferior complexcity
eneded up me argue with him or shout to him or a himngry to
sometimes I fell terrible sad when I think of it again

krootozoa
think of it as this
your bro is good at this,
you at that
personally,
i never think that my sis is better than me
nor the other way round
but I can't felt like that
seriously Dean is very good
almost in eveything
he excels in silat
while my time I never had the chance into karate do
again, you're looking at the small picture,
my parents keeps saying no to me
in this case,
mcm2 reason they gave to me
this achievements
sometimes I do felt angry to them about that

krootozoa
you think he's flawless?
think carefully
and you'l find out no one is perfect
well, he got some that I know
observe

Emily
come to think again my acadamic far better than him
n so my cocurikulum
*so typo

krootozoa
and there are also flaws that you will NEVER EVER reveal to anyone, right? not even me?
so he has such flaws as well,
kept to himself
never shown to the world
how do i know this?
its because we are humans.
as much as we strive to be LIKE god,
forgiving,
blameless, guiltless,
we will never acheive such perfections,
if not, then god is no longer god!

Emily
yea true oso
I been keeping aall these for the past 20 years
not even my mum knows this
mayb dats why it's too heavy for me
like I said earlier
it's too ridiculus or stupid to disscuss it
even to Ash
so I just keep it to myself
seriously I dun wanna talk about this to u
its ok
enough la u keep hearing me upset
but since u suddenly talk about it
terlepas lak
mayb later u think
this girl asyik sedih aje
I cannot do that to Ash
coz I must be strong to her
coz she needs me
if I'm weak, who will she turn into
I cannot

krootozoa
well, now that im here
you can always count on me

Emily
mmmnnnn....mayb dats why I talk to u about this
the only person dat I felt I can turn into

krootozoa
im more than willing help

Emily
would u believe me if I told u that I actually have no confidence to myself
before I meet you?
n I actually got n still got Stage Fright?

krootozoa
i guess i can believe tat

Emily
why?

krootozoa
you were such a vurnerably young lady when i first met you
naive, innocent
this isnt exactly a surprise.
vurnerable? naive? innocent?
explain please
you really like just come out of your cage
dun know many things
didnt experience much

Emily
before u came, some of my friends, even Ash complain (not really complain) that I loves to flirt
n all I can say, I juz love to flirt
but recently at Ash's place
I finally admit why I become like that

krootozoa
why?

Emily
remember I told u when I was 10 those people told me that I will never find love
before this I was confident I can get one
I wan to get married n have children n lives happily with them
after their words I was terribly shattered
that's is, until I was 12
when several boys shows interest
then I was like
"WTF?!! I cam't let them win!"
so I start to flirt to prove to them that I can make guys likes me
everytime I suceed to get their attention, I know I win
I juz smiled to myself
but then, I dun expect them to really like me
I felt so insecure about love
coz they oso never do anything but than juz flirting back
after several inceidents previous sem b4 u came
I totally lost confident in live
*love
so I decided to step back
dun wan to flirt anymore
nor trying to find love
I really give up ady, really, really give up ady
BUT then
omg, u came
I never realkly expected of that
mayb that's why I cherish u a lot

krootozoa
^.^

Emily
^^
dats why I tell Ash
*dats what I told Ash
coz we were talking about not having confident in Love
I used not having confident in Love
but now
well, u noe la how I felt
yeah

krootozoa
i seriously hope you feel better alread
*already

Emily
a lot

krootozoa
just remember, you have your own strengths

Emily
at least I'm not crying anymore
man, I'm very sensitive am I?
I know I can breakdown if I kept something for too long
its a part of you that i've come to accept, and cherish ^^
mayb this is why I oso dun like to get involve with people or society
even though I want it so badly sometimes
^^
thank you for that
sometimes I do envy several people
always have many people around them
you have many people around you
or you haven't realised?
yea, but serously within me it's still empty
the only people that fills me is u
n Ash
n now I got Tina
whom I highly cheerish
I guess I'm like my mum
have many people around her
n yet only some fills her
but I like what she siad to me or to others
"Havin only 1 or 2 people that u can really n truly call friends"
"is better than having many but none of them are worthy to call friends"
this is what happening to me
from child to now

krootozoa
yeah, ture
*true

Emily
but I do feel lonely many times
I used with it very much at high school
but since I came limkokwing
I felt so empty, lonely n upset
only then I starting to realised how lonely I'am
n how much I was lifeless b4

krootozoa
i see...

Emily
I dun really get along with people actually
coz almost all the time I cannot b myself
I have to pause for a momet b4 say anything
I have to pause for a moment b4 I can do something
I have to pause for a moment b4 I can help some one
except
U, Ash n Tina
n I'm so happy ady
u guys accepct me for what I'am
I can juz simply do or talk
of what I feel
without worrying much
or perhaps
well
no worries at all

krootozoa
same to you

Emily
same tovme?
*same to me?
yes
when im with you
i dont really watch my behaviour,
since i know you fully accept it
my curiously long gaming hours,
flu problem
forgetfulness
and the occassional insensitivity on my part
you just brush them awaylike it didnt matter a bit

Emily
"i dont really watch my behaviour"
for that moment I really wanna laugh

krootozoa
o.o

Emily
but had to hold on if not I might wake up everyone in the house
no, the whole flat!
no dun get me wrong
it's juz, I didn't expect u gonna say that
so straightforward lol
my 1st "lol" word since the conversation start
congrats to u!

krootozoa
^^

Emily
those sentence, remind u of something?

krootozoa
....not really...

Emily
hehehehe
there's one time u ask me reagarding our game project, I reply to u, "I dunno, u r the leader"
n u reply me
"Those comment can goes to "What the Fuck? I'am the Leader?!"
"hey it's my 1st What the Fuck word I use today, congrats to you!"

krootozoa
1st wtf of the day

Emily
yea
I was at Sunway
n we were outside the building, looking at Sunway Lagoon theme park
I was laughing out loud n everyone was wondering dat time

krootozoa
:P

Emily
haa.....feel a lot better ady
u wanna go sleeo ady?

krootozoa
in a bit
i sleepy oso :P

Emily
sorry la keepu awake
no la

krootozoa
i mmg awake pon :P

Emily
lega dgr
I juz can't sleep earlier

krootozoa
i see

Emily
then I decided to login n write down my frustration in my blog
online for a while as "Appear Offline" to c u wheather u awake or not
i see...
only in a minute I put mysel online
wanna c u gonna say something or not
n u immdiately talk to me
did u noe how happy I was that time?

krootozoa
er...
i missed you alot, you see..
so i figured...

Emily
I'm happy to know
how much u cared for me
n how much u seems to understand
n tahan on my sometimes 'irritating' behaviour

krootozoa
^^


I felt a lot better. A lot. I had let go everything.
Thank god he's always there when I need him the most.......

if u like something very much, but u can't excels in it, it's VERY frustrating n upsetting rite?

I LOVE games, I loves them, very much
I play a lot of games in the old days. I dun care much about winning, as long I can play, either to myself, or with others

But recently I felt it's too much already
I mean, can't I win, EVEN once??

Nowadays I suffered terrible "Inferior Complexity" towards my own brother Dean n my own boyfriend Bryan........

Dean n Bryan are so good in games. You can give them anything n they simply can win them with a very good remarks

I'm the one introduce Dean Monster Hunter, but now, despite he can't play everyday like me, he is far better than me. I used to think my char in MH is noob, have a weak defense n weak weapon. So all I can say, "hey! how am I supposed to do this quest?"
I've been doing the same quest over n over n over n over I failed T_T
I simply give to Dean n I dun really expect he can win
But the, not only he won
He won without getting knockout, using only small amount of supply items n even won within few minutes
n he use the char that I think noob!!!!!

n there's Bryan. We played Lineage 2 n Florensia together. He soo good in them, he can trade very well, he do marketing very well, n he can managing stats n skills VERY well
Did I mention the word VERY?

n can u guess what happend recently? I messed my char, both in Lineage 2 n Florensia T_T
man! I HATE MYSELF! SERIOUSLY!!!

Dun get me wrong, of corse I do feel proud about them (after all they are my brother n boyfriend)
But don't u think it's too much ady?

I LOVE games, but so far all games I can win in Easy mood only, I hardly passed Normal mood,
what the hell?!! n you call yourself a gamer gurl??!!

of course I never said this to anyone. Owh come on! A gamer gurl who can only win in Easy mood? Haiya!!

Oso, anothet embrassing n painful thing to admit. Even today I still dunno to use blog or forum!
previously I dun really give a damn about it, but now I need it, for a gamer, it's VERY important to read blogs or forums to update about games

man.......I'm very upset. Very, very. very upset
but I never talk about this, coz, I know, it's very stupid, very silly to talk about it
I mean people can say, "u feel upset juz bwcuase you're not good in game? owh come on! grow up gurl!!"

but it's very frustrating n upsetting to me, for I can do good in something I really like, love n very dedicated into.....

"speechless......."

5th November 2008

Bryan sent me sweet sms

I want to go to campus today and I don't want to go alone....

So I woke up earlier than usual n accompany him to campus

During lunch, after some hectic, I could not get myself a lunch (I want the BBQ speggatti....). Bryan eventually offered his BBQ speggatti to me (aww) n we ended up eating together ^^

That night, I told Bryan that nowadays I am happy with my life (coz now I got Ash, Sam & Yat) but now I am happier
Bryan asked if it because of him n I said yes
he come sit next to me n ask me to close my eyes. Then he ask me to turn my head a little bit, then, he kissed me.........

Suddenly, he was so frustrated, apparently he is not satisfied with his kiss, some more it's the 1st kiss in our life

He been practicing for the kiss for 2 days.....lol.....by using his hand as a kissing base.....lol.....epic lol.....

"My first date ever"

2nd November 2008

A night earlier Bryan told me he need to go to to Sunway to withdraw money. I wanna come a long. I need to take my membership card as well as settle some bills. Bryan then suggested to go for a movie afterward

Ili: So is tomorrow consider as a date?
Bryan: If you want to be that way

So then at noon, off we go to Sunway

We settle our stuffs first. Got separate for a while. Bryan went to settle his Maxis bill while I off to get my membership card

Finally, we decided to go watch a movie. Nothing much interested actually. Then Bryan decided to watch "The Coffin"
We go buy our tickets

Counter Girl: What movie sir?
Bryan: The Coffin, at 2:45 pm please
Counter Girl: How many people?
Bryan: Two

The counter girl look at us

Counter Girl: Do you want a normal seat or couple seat?

I was like "What the HELL? Couple Seat?! They have something like that?!! I never know...."
I nervously (n exited at the same time XP) look at Bryan

Ili: Which one you want?
Bryan: Anyone you want
Ili: Ah um Ah Um.......COUPLE SEAT!!

Aiya............

Ok inside the cinema we sit separately. Bryan keep teasing me not to jump on him whenever the ghost come out. I teased him back, stating that he could be the one who jumping on me instead XD

I know if I drink to much before the cinema I will ended up going to toilet in the middle of the story so I decided to go to the toilet before the movie start n not to drink afterward coz I don't want to spoil the moment of our 1st date

Then as the movie start n the cinema turns dark Bryan, within 0.001sec have his arm around me L0L!!
And I leaned on him for the rest of the movie

During the movie, whenever the suspend part, Bryan would teased me
However, whenever the real surprised scenes, I noticed Bryan get surprised more then I do X3333333

After the movie we kinda agreed that The Coffin is not scary at all but just have lots of surprising scenes. I then teased him for being surprised more than I do
Bryan looked at me n after a fer second he embarrassingly said "Shut Up" L0L!!

I keep teasing him that for the whole day X3333

"What am I to you?"

31st October 2008

Early, I had discussed with Ash many times that not to have any relationship sooner as it would be too soon n perhaps I should begin in next semester
If possible, I want him to confess first instead of me

my previous confession to two guys ended up as a great failure so I decided to let guy confess this time. After all, I don't want the good friendship I have with Bryan destroyed just like that like what happened to Robert last time

But the weight of wondering whether Bryan really likes me or he just being normal is too much already. To continue to keep wondering till next semester, which is 3 months, I think I can gone insane

That night as I doing my assignments while he playing DoTA after a whole day doing assignments, I put down my book and non-nonchalantly asked him, "What am I to you?"

Bryan suddenly become surprised. Not sure what to answer. He even cannot focus in his DoTa anymore n stated "I'm losing here" (usually he will pissed off if he losing in DoTA but this time he didn't mind at all)

Finally he stated he can't play anymore n stop. At first he was in leaning position. Then he changed to sitting position. And finally he changed to sleeping position

Bryan: very difficult to answer..............
Ili: It's ok. Don't need to answer if you can't

Suddenly Bryan asked me insted, "What am I to you?"

I was like, aku yang tanya dia, dia lak yang tanya kita sekarang but I answer him anyway. Nervously

"You're one of the few people that I can call friend. You're also one of the rare people I feel very relax and easy to talk to. You're somehow, quite special to me....."

Phew, I said it finally. Suddenly Bryan calmly said to me, "You're special to me. Very"

I was very surprised. I didn't expect this much. The room become silent. After a while I broke the silent

Ili: So are we official then?
Bryan: Yea.......

The room become silent again. This time Bryan broke the silent, in excitement

Bryan: You want others to know?
Ili: (stunned) Like this Bryan, I'm not gonna yell to the world Bryan is my bf but if people ask, I will say yes

The room become silent again. I asked d him

Ili: If I said you're my bf is that ok?
Bryan: I am very honored

After awhile I told him I want to get fresh air. I went to the balcony n call Ash. Ash was surprised n stated "so soon?"

L0L

We are OFFICIAL!!

"It's Bryan's Birthday!"

29th October 2008

I managed to make Bryan stayed in his unit for the whole night (HeHeHe) which I told him that I accidentally left out some important work that we have to show tomorrow (which is actually half true =_=")

I called my senior Jay, who is also Bryan's housemate to unlock the door arounf 11:45pm
We put all the stuffs on Bryan's unit table silently

Then we starting to put the candles (as Ash reading was reading the words on the cake, I slapped her hand, which ended up 'ruined' the cake top L0L ^_^"

Then I went to knock his room door. He opened it in his usual way n welcome me in
I called out "guys" n his reaction was like "How many people you brought this time?" as he thought I bought several people to play around

H e was very surprised when we showed him 2 birthday cakes n some sparkling juices
We sang him "Happy Birthday" song n I gave him my present n give him a quick kiss at his cheek, which I spontaneously n nervously did

Bryan was speechless

Then we call Jay to join us. Bryan the cut his cake, n gave the 1st slice to Jay. Tina was enormous n stated the 1st slice was supposedly given to someone special

Yat Weng almost immediately teased Bryan

Tina: You're suppossed to give the 1st slice to someone special
Ili: OMG Bryan! All this while......!
Yat: You're GAY!!
Bryan: WHAT THE HELL?!!

The night was fun. We are having a great time. I sit next the Bryan all the time n like I did before, I played around his fingers n he grabs it

Then Jay teased us:

Jay: So when you gonna meet her parents?

I was like, "What the Hell" b felt embarrassed, but then, Bryan surprisingly replied:

Bryan: Wait! Too soon!

I was speechless. And again I was like "What the Hell?!!". But I was very very very happy to hear that

After the party ends, I stayed at Bryan's unit to clean up. Bryan excitingly open his presents, hoping it as his all-time dream model Gurren (sorry Bryan, I didn't know you want that ^_^")

Bryan: ONG, I hope this is what I always wanted
Ili: I fthat really what you wanted, what are you going to do to me?
Bryan: What do you want then?
Ili: Kiss me X3

Unfortunately it's not what he wanted terlepas peluang
But luckily I still like it, a lot, after all, it Code Geass action figure You better like it coz I spent RM80 on them L0L

Then we continue to do our work. Half-way he asked:

Bryan: I assume you want to sleep here tonight?
Ili: Ummmmm.....If you don't mind
Bryan: I don't mind

Yeah after we finised our work, we went to sleep, different beds ok ^_^"

"I'll cherish all the moments we have together in my life"

24th October 2008

Around 10, Yat Weng asked me to go to eat at Al-Amin. I asked Tina n Rara to join me. I sms Bryan n ask him to. He said he's lazy to go, wanna play Spore (=_=")
Eventually I planned along Tina n Rara to 'force' Bryan to come along. We succeed. He is kinds 'pissed off' but he still come along He He He

During the time we 'drag' him out from his room, I realized he seems don't mind when I hug him or hold his hand. I decided to hold for some more. No reaction

As we walk to Al-Amin, Bryan keeps 'complaining' of the walk tiring him. I had to 'console' him ^^;

I then realized he still don't mind I've been holding his hand. I changed my hand's position. I play with his fingers. No reaction. Instead, he grabbed my hand

We talk a bit. Suddenly I accidentally asked,"If I'm thinner, will you like me more?"
I was expecting he would either say his usual "What the HELL?" or at least "What do you mean by that?"
But instead he sarcastically replied "I'm not sure about that"

Then he mentioned about being many girls around him. I immediately replied, "Don't you make me jealous!"
He gave me no reaction but when I repeated my word again and only then he said his usual "What the Hell?"

Dinner was ok (only me, Bryan, Tina, Rara n Yat)

After dinner, I was wondering Bryan's earlier reactions to me was because he still blur after being 'dragged' to go out with us. I'm quite sure after dinner he is a little bit fresh n will realized more of his reaction so I decided to test once more

On the way home, I play with his hand again n this tine he grabbed my hand even faster! *heart pounding*

Too happy to think about it again. I fall asleep faster in out of excitement

"Before I lost my memories due to my sickness, I will record this as I don't want this memories lost"

18th October 2008

It was kinda spoilt that the original plan is to go to Sunway CC was canceled, I could not see Bryan's superb knifing skill in CoD4 (I was looking forward too see him knifing Jas) HeHeHe

Then that day Byran went home alone early (bummer! I wanna go home with him >.<). I ended up going home with Alfred and Gerald on Zaf's car

Originally I wanna go KL (but it was raining heavily). So I decided to go Byran's place place to play Spore and do some homeworks. I cook him "cucur udang" (his fave)
We kinda have fun, teasing each other

Finally! Finally that day I managed to ask him to join dinner with others (everyone in there EXCEPT Ash n Vin still "stucked" in KL ^^")

During the dinner, as usual, I got "bullied" by almost everyone (especially Yat Weng n now plus Bryan -_-")
However, despite everything, I'm having a great time, I can see Bryan really enjoyed with us and he also make Sam laughed a lot (Sam haven't laugh as many as tonight)

Then I found out Ash n Vin almost arrive Desaria

In attempt to have them around with us to meet Bryan, I bought everyone with a drink

After that, Bryan n I decided to make a move first. As we slowly walk, Tina suddenly turned up behind us. I said "Run" and Bryan suddenly really running!
I tried to catch up. As we both inside the lift, we both can't stop laughing

I will never forget that.....never ever....